My relationship with my parents could be much better, especially with my mother. Sometimes I understand the why of what they say, but I can't always do what I need to do. I'm sick right now, so my mental state is a bit weak, plus there's been a whole bunch of other stuff going on with me right now [mood swings, I've been seeing things,not being able to focus...]. For starters, I heard them say they were going to kill me when they thought I wasn't listening, and my amount of trust in them isn't so great to begin with. My mother is a nurse, she's quite capable of poisioning me. She has access to suplies, and know enough to make it seem like an accident. and my dad is just angry a lot, not particularly at me, but about life.

And they weren't ever that nice to me, although they tell me I'm lying about that too.

Like take now. I told myself I wouln't cry, but I can already feel tears.... I have a cold, I'm not doing so well, I'm on anti-psychotics, and I'm scared. So I sat down for a bit after coming upstairs to hold my head, and my mother starts nagging on me about setting the table for dinner and making my dinner, and I need to get the milk out now. I said thay I would do it in a second if she would wait. So, I know it maybe wasn't the nicest thing to do, and I would probably have apologized to her for snapping at her soon afterwards. I know I'm a bit fragile right now. But then she starts talking about how I'm so lazy, and she doesn't care If I'm sick, I should get up and do things, I'm just stalling for time, and I'm rude, and then she says "...you know, you're acting like a real *****."
I hate swearing. It's a big deal to me if people swear, I've made this quite clear, and it's really very derogatory to me when someone calls me that. I was shocked, asked her why, and she said that she "felt like it" and "it was true". So I said that I expected her as a woman to understand why I felt that it was such a derogatory term. And she said that it was a point of pride to her.
So I left the room, made my own dinner, and informed my parents [not rudely] that I wasn't going to eat with them, I was really insulted, and that I would rather not go into a conflict with my mother that I could avoid. But it's a big deal to my parents that we eat toghether, I know, but it seemed a better option then getting into another fight, another conversation where it was my fault. .And then she said that I was being manipulative, and I was overeacting [I tried to stay calm], and how I obviously didn't care about the family enough to eat with them. I wanted to yell so badly. I wanted to say I wasn't manipulating her, I was just upholding my principles, and that it was how I would react if it was anyone else. I wanted to swear at her, and wanted to say I hated her. But I didn't. I got a bit irratable [I am not denying that I wasn't exactly perfect here] said that she was just trying to make me into the bad guy again, smiled, and went downstairs. And while I'm down here, I'm pretty sure my dad ended up taking my side, and they argued, and she came down and said "Are you happy now?! You got what you wanted, didn't you? Apparently you're all against me now!", and slammed the door.
I should apologize for being rude. And I will apologize for not eating with them. But I will not say sorry to them because they feel it's okay to swear at me. I know I have a good life. I'm not poor, living in the streets, no ones dying in my family. I should be grateful. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. But it's a bit hard for me to do that when I'm told I fail at life, that I'm not good enough. I should be happy they don't swear at me that much, really. But I'm not. And I'm far too tired right now to care if they kill me.

Sorry I talk so much. I don't mean to be so angsty. I will be able to be a mature person someday. But I'm 14, and I don't think I can handle everything the right way without a bit more experience in life. But that's just an excuse. And now everyones going to be tense and act likle nothing happened. And then they're going to look at me murderously.

Ah well.

Thank-you.