thats just the thing...

my treatment providers dont talk to me very much at all, i try to talk to them but they just sort of repeat the same stuff over and over and its like talking to a brick wall...

the clinic i go to doesnt have very much money at all so i just assume that the people i am seeing arent really trained to treat someone with complex symptoms... and/or they aren't very interested in the clients... and/or they are just overworked/over loaded...

the neurologist i went to for a psychological assessment said that it seemed rather benign but wanted me to come back but i cant afford to come back because i owe them something like 7-13,000$ (i've forgotten..) from that last visit because my insurance didnt cover it...

i just want to go talk to a neurologist because to me, living inside with these problems... it feels like something is really wrong that i cant express...

ive been trying to see different psychiatrists and stuff for 7 years and all they've done is try to tell me its bipolar stuff and put me on a thousand different medications which hasn't helped at all...

my gut is just screaming at me that its not bipolar, i dont get manic, how can it be bipolar...

its also screaming at me that if its not bipolar then maybe its something really serious...

and also that if i dont do something soon maybe im going to get so bad i wont be able to recognize myself or that i even have a problem... because i feel like im losing abilities and cognitive functions...

but i cant tell if i am or if its just in my head...

i cant tell what is happening, i think i am losing insight but i cant tell that either

im really confused, i have a lot of confusion...
having a lot of difficulties communicating... not just communicating these problems...
but socializing too... and its really not cool... scary... and depressing... and... lots of things... i just want to make it stop, make it better, i want to be happy and feel good

i dont know if its because of brain damage, traumatic brain injury from years ago, drug abuse, PTSD symptoms getting worse, i dont know - because my "treatment providers" dont help me like this

they just take me in a room and sit me down and then next thing i know im leaving the room with different medications

i space out a lot and lose alot of time so i cant help it that i have a really hard time paying attention... i really do try hard, i just am falling apart

thats why i am really hoping to successfully get on disability this time... the judge can't deny me this time... because it would be like a death sentence... because i need the insurance... so i can use it to get better....