Thank you for responding, there is so much here. I will visit the substance abuse forum. I so understand the money issue. That is part of my problem, money does not buy happiness, I would much rather be loved and love, have shelter, instead of be rich....I have taken my mom's issues and she has projected her fears onto me (money, men, she smokes cigarettes, so when I do, I feel that connection, enabler, she's been through a rough go herself, so she kind of "hangs on" to her youngest. Also, because of the trauma, she convinced me at an early age not to trust many people, especially men).
I don't want to be my mom, I am me. So at 37, I'm living with her, and everyone who knows me, relatives included have pretty much disowned me because I never did anything with my life---no career, no family, no children. I lived up north for a while (when I went to rehab and saw that doctor), and wanted to stay up there, but it wasn't working, so I came back to live with mom, I thought I would finish school, save money, and then move out again and venture out on my own. I just really miss up north.
When I was up north, I met people who showed me there was life to be lived, joy to be felt, and people to love, not what happened and happens in my family of origin. I've been back 9 weeks now, but my heart is still up north, but my college is down south.
Anyway, earlier the things I said, It makes me wonder who true friends are, and if people who say they care, really do. I don't know who I can trust nowadays.