J,

Hi again. It's Monday night.
It was a good day, but tonight, S (ex-T) told me that he is probably finally moving across the country this weekend. And, tomorrow, I see him (hanging out as friends) for the last time. I'm also really upset at the timing of all of this -- that S is leaving exactly when you are leaving for 2 weeks. I know rationally that these two things are not related -- that just because they are happening at the same time does not mean that you are leaving for good and that I'm losing all of the support systems I've put into place in the last couple of months. But, emotionally, that's exactly what it feels like. Like a bit of a replay of the trauma of finding out about S leaving. I know that is not what is happening. But, also, I was stupidly holding out some small hope that maybe S would not move after all. Even though, honestly, I also think that him finally moving and this all being "over" (at least the immediate change) will be helpful.

This pain is so agonizing. It feels like the hugest loss of my life, although, at the same time, it feels familiar and old. Like something I have felt many times before...and especially something I felt with life-or-death intensity as a child. I feel abandoned, alone, unloved, forgotten. The lack of control in this decision to lose someone hurts so much. It is a terrifying feeling -- that people can be taken away or leave without my having any control in the matter. I'm afraid of everyone leaving or being taken away.

I keep thinking "I want my mom I want my mom I want my mom" and then I get this thought that "your mom is gone for forever. You don't get to have that anymore. It's gone forever." And then just a flood of memories of S...of sitting with him...of holding onto him. And I want my mom...I want my mom...I want my mom.

I'm angry that S "let" me get to this place with him -- where the transference was SO strong that I feel towards him like he IS a parent to me. I am angry at him for leaving me after "letting" me get to this place without any sort of resolution. But I'm scared to be angry at him, because then he might take away what little I get to still have. I'm scared to have ANY feelings about it, because my being upset about it, my wanting to talk about it, it seems to drive him away. He stops texting, stops talking, falls silent if I try to talk about how much I'm hurting over this. And that just feels like even more rejection, even more abandonment. I'm torn between wanting to feel my feelings and wanting support and comfort... and my wanting to just have even just a little of him in my life still. But to keep him, I feel like I have to cut off my feelings -- cram them down, hide them, even deny them and lie about them. That's not how our therapy was, and I am struggling with it being how he treats me as a friend -- because he SAYS that's not how it is...he says my feelings are welcome, that I can talk to him about how I'm feeling, that he's still there for support and comfort.... but every time I start talking about my feelings, he goes silent. And I'm not talking about my feelings regarding his cancer --- I'm talking solely about my feelings about him moving, our therapy ending, and our trying to be friends. I don't think that's fair. But if I tell him I don't think it's fair, he just shuts me down like he doesn't care what I think -- my opinion doesn't matter. But his opinion is supposed to matter to me (and does).