Random thoughts from the night S told me he was leaving:
What was best for me wasn't even a factor in the decision. It didn't matter.
He wouldn't leave his dog, but he'd leave me.
One of the most genuine reactions -- he told me he had thought we could use the months before he left for the new job as "time to try out being friends," to which I screamed at him "I don't want to be your ******* friend. **** you. I don't want to be your ******* friend." And I remember thinking in that moment that weeks before, he had been telling me how he couldn't wait for us to just be friends... how I'd expressed I wasn't ready for that... and how we had agreed that I would definitely NOT stop therapy with him this year. Period. And I had let myself trust that. I let myself calm down and believe that I had this year.

But also...I was so angry that he had been telling me he couldn't wait for us to just be friends, and I had said "no, not yet," and how we'd agreed he wouldn't bring that up again, and then here he was bringing it up NOW in this moment.... like, at the very least, he could've suggested that, if I wanted, I could remain his client and do Skype sessions... you know, at least hinting at remembering what I had said I wanted and needed from him...instead of jumping to the thing HE wanted...the thing I had expressly said I did NOT want yet.

Why can I not get a clear picture of whether or not S has done anything wrong here...? I can't determine if he is treating me poorly or what... and any time someone suggests that he is, I immediately feel horrible guilt like they only see that because I've portrayed things incorrectly. And also fear, because I don't want to let him go... but at the same time, I FEEL INSANE. I feel like I am crazy... I feel like S is the rational one, and I am crazy...

What is wrong with me?! I can't figure out what is happening. I can't determine if I'm being treated poorly or not. I can't figure out if this is someone I should keep in my life or not. I feel like, from the outside looking in, it's probably a pretty clear picture... but then I feel like from the outside looking in, you can't SEE everything... and S would say that too... first, he has said verbatim he doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him/our relationship. He has cancer, so he doesn't care at all what anyone else thinks. He hasn't said it, but I imagine he includes me in that lump -- he doesn't actually care what I think. After all, he has said to me -- I don't need you as my friend (actually I'm not sure if those were the exact words he used, but now I can't remember what they were -- and this is how I heard it and remembered it); he said...I have plenty of friends. Like I am just a number. Replaceable. He said I don't need to prove my friendship to anyone. So basically it's like..... I'm worthless to him, he's everything to me. And I'm stuck in this same old pattern of trying to be worth something... and he tells me... he tells me that all of this is in my head... that he DOES treat me well... that he DOES treat me like I'm worth something... but...

I feel crazy. And now I'm just making myself more upset, so I better stop.