Tuesday morning now. Today, I will see/hang out with S for the last time before he moves.

Question for myself for this morning: What am I getting out of that relationship? I don't mean what did I get in the past, I mean right now... what am I getting now? What is there to truly be afraid of losing?

The loss I'm so afraid of has already happened. I am not getting ANYTHING out of this relationship now. Literally, all it is is news about his cancer and texting memes back and forth. That's it. Everything I'm so terrified and grieved about losing is already gone and has been for months.

Yet, I'm still feeling the fear. I'm still feeling the urge to cling for dear life. But, to what?
I haven't sat with S in months. He hasn't comforted me in months. He is not a support for me. Period. That has been gone for months. The support I'm terrified of losing is already gone. It's been gone. I just can't seem to accept that it is gone. How can I fully grieve a loss that I won't accept has happened? I can't. How do I get my emotional brain to accept that the loss has happened, that there is nothing to fight to keep anymore? How do I move fully into grief so that I can move through it?