TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING.

It's me again.
And I'm just tired.
I'm tired of killing people-I'm probably at the six digit mark.
I'm tired of ****ing dying-I've gone out in almost any way you can imagine. I've been shot, blown to bits, impaled, drowned, seen someone hung by their intestines and barely avoided the same fate, I've seen family members I barely give a **** about be shot point blank with a .50, got thrown out of a building by dream characters I thought friendly, got ****ing nuked, saw my friends be shot by my ex-friends, killed my ex-friends, shot with a ****ing AAA in the chest, barely avoided being dropped into a gas giant, went through some pretty horrible monsters, got killed over and over by the monsters, got eaten by bug swarm, "Covered a retreat", and what many more.
It always feels so REAL. I can't tell the difference. Ever.

So, tonight, I decided to do something about it.
For the first time, I killed myself.
I killed myself three times.
I telefragged my neck into a solar panel covered in cobwebs. Everything went red, and then black.
And then I "respawned".
So I did it twice more.
Do you know how much it ****ing hurts?
I woke up mad. I was almost in the troubled fetal position.
How can I make my dreams less real?
No, the only help I have is one person I can trust, my friend.
Cheers.