Yes, there is truth in this. You have described "what was" and you have talked about not treating her right, not appreciating her and how long that went on, "years right?". So what did she really experience of that relationship? She never was a "bad girl" and always was dutiful from what you have shared. She was like that for "years", and yet what did she get from that? It sounds to me like what she got was being unappreciated and lonely and a man who had anger issues that probably were setting the tone of the relationship. It sounds to me like she was basically living as a codependent. Actually, that was "customary" in the old ways in being a "dutiful" wife. So, there were lots of marriages where the husband and wife were just roommates. And women were not really "valued" and that began to gradually change where women began collectively wanting to be treated where they had "value".

For a long time your wife "felt" a certain way in her marriage, and she has realized that her reality is that she was unhappy and lonely. So, that is what she doesn't want to go back to. The problem is that your wife did not know how to find her own sense of value and happiness. All she knew is she was in a marriage that left her feeling she had no real value and was not really loved and appreciated and then when she caught you texting that was her breaking point.

We can LOVE someone and yet not really be happy with that person in a relationship. When the person one loves treats them poorly and then hurts them by further gazing towards others, that can be devastating "sex or not", because it's accumulative. Yet, it's not just that either because often there can be years of investing in "doing the right thing and being dutiful" and not really being appreciated. That can actually leave someone with a question, "what is my value and how can I actually be appreciated?".

Often, when this happens where someone is dutiful and ends up lonely and unappreciated, they begin to set out to do the opposite of what they were because of how it did not work and that person was unhappy and unappreciated. And your wife had nine months to practice trying to be someone very different because in her mind it led to being a lonely unappreciated person. During that time she mingled with individuals who listened to her woes and hurts and she got pulled into ideas and thoughts that led her to look at things differently. While she set out to explore however, she was out of her comfort zone and also feeling rejected, hurt, vulnerable so she began to use alcohol to help her relax and have some courage to explore. She has been trying to find herself, and probably for the first time too. So she got into a group of friends and went out and drank and slowly began to "feel" like she was developing her own identity. Within this group was this guy and when she was with him she felt "heard, seen, appreciated" and she began to realize how much that was missing in her life.

In a lot of ways your wife was inexperienced and unsure and she began to use the alcohol to help her be able to relax and be less inhibited. Unfortunately, that slowly becomes a crutch and a person is not going to think about it like that as it becomes an accessory that goes with the journey of exploration.

The "truth" is that while you were away she wasn't thinking about you. Instead she was thinking about how she was "hurt" and "unhappy" and she began looking for companionship and advice. She was also questioning "her" value and she was actually very insecure about that. So, this made her very vulnerable where when she began spending time with that other man and getting appreciated and having fun and adventures to giving in to also being more intimate sexually, especially when alcohol is involved where the person slowly loses any inhibitions and even caring about what's right and what's wrong. Actually, I remember having a conversation with someone who developed a problem and when I asked them about the sex itself, the reply was, "honestly, I was too drunk to actually remember". But, I only got that information when the individual realized they had a problem and was on the path of living their life "sober" and was FINALLY willing to admit they had a problem. The choice of that woman when it came to alcohol was "wine". A lot of women choose "wine" because it has a tendency to be considered a lesser evil when it comes to alcohol and is somewhat a "lady's" drink.

So, you were away for several months and by the time you got back, your wife was in a state where she was not "oh so happy to see you". While you thought of that length of time as being a long time, your wife was more of "it's wasn't long enough". That's because the entire time you were gone, she found a way to escape from the hurt she felt just before you left. However, she was going to experience another kind of rejection and that was yet another hit to her sense of "self". And that is what you witnessed when you were sitting on the bed and she was hurting and confused and you did not know what to do, neither did she. What she was experiencing that night was not feeling "safe" with her "now", and not feeling safe with her "past" (you) and not knowing what to do.
Because now she has been hurt in both ways she tried to be "valued and appreciated".

Well, from what I can see of what you shared, your wife genuinely doesn't know WHAT to do. I think that what she was doing with that "whisper" site was she was using it to figure out what she did experience and how to actually look at it so she can get over yet another form of rejection. Your wife is very confused about "relationships" and she is not ready to actually commit to anything in the state she is in right now. And she knows she can't be honest with you because history has shown that you will just get angry and judge her, and she can't really handle that right now either.

IMO, her reaching out to you that night where you ended up having sex was more of a very lonely confused woman that wanted to be held and comforted. But, that was also kinda lonely in that she was not really able to say, "I am so lost and hurt and confused and here is how I tried to change and I ended up just getting hurt". Also, "I was so hurt and lonely and felt like I had no value when you hurt me, and in my effort to see if I had value, I ended up getting hurt again and NOW I am very lost. I experienced things that showed me what I was missing, someone came into my life and made me feel good and I had fun, and I loved experiencing that, yet, that ended up in yet another confusing hurt too. But I can't tell you about any of that because all you will do is get angry and tell me I am a bad person and I don't want to feel that way right now. I can't really tell you the truth because you would NEVER understand it and would just get angry".

Well, I don't know how your conversation is going to go with this meeting to talk things over. It probably won't go very well because I don't think your wife has the ability to articulate her "own" personal challenge without you getting all angry with her. All you will think about is the "cheating" part and how that makes you feel, and you won't be able to understand how, in the scheme of things, while that may have happened, what your wife was trying to find was her own sense of value and to learn how to "feel" wanted and appreciated verses just playing some kind of role where she was lonely and unhappy and then hurt.