it's ok, you didn't upset me, i dont see anything you said as a judgement at all. No worries. And yeah, i was actually asking about yourself..or whoemever else. It was completely reflective... as in "this is how i feel, how would you feel?"

no sorries either.. genuine comments to rambling are all cool. As long as someone isn't openly mean i dont mind. i've gotten um.. "unsupportive" comments before and yours isn't it. i like that you think out so much.

i am a truth seeker, no doubt in my mind. But, asking one's self to trust somebody else over your own thoughts is very hard. i'm not exactly unwilling.. i mean i decided to do this.. i am paying to do it and i want to stop feeling so bad... but it's so hard.

how do i know when i should let go of one belief but keep another? T can't be right about everything.

i am alone, as i said.. but i do have those "friends-lite." i mean, i have friends and i have been forcing myself to make friends and go be social.. i have been so depressed and stressed that it has been uphill ever since i moved here a year ago. The problem is that as a means of support and encouragement one needs something deeper than i am capable of forming. i have a small group of friends, scattered far away, who ihave been "close" with for years... but not one of them knows *me*... they know *some* of me, the part that fits with them more. There isn't a single one who i would turn to and say that inside i really believe i am worthless.

that is an example... i believe i am not worth much, i'm not good enough, i don't deserve affection. i have had that message given to me over and over, intensively for a long time, but T says it's not true. He can say it and i can see his reasoning but it's not what i *feel*... not what i believe. In my gut i feel i am some defective thing... how can i ever learn to believe him over my own deep belief?

see what i mean?

don't stop rambling sweetie... it's nice, i like it. i accept open, honest questioning for what it is.

many hugs and warm wishes to you