what i mean by them not knowing emough of me is that none of them know the parts of me which could communicate such a thing as "i'm hurting, please help me." In my darkest moments i am the only person in my universe... what i call the wasteland. It's where i go when i am wounded, bleeding or in some other way needing to retreat... sometimes when i am triggered i retreat there almost instantly. T has seen that once or twice and has been kind of struck by it.

they know parts that work with *them.* i talk to them about stuff after the fact or whatever.. i couldn't possibly tell someone IRL what i say here.

i have the intention of letting T have complete access to anything and everything he wants to know... in time, as i am able. i am fighting hard for that, but T & i both know that sharing too much too quickly is a bad idea as well. If he seriously pressed me about something i would do everything i could to answer him.

otherwise though... not a chance. Nope. i am unable to call anyone else late at night when i fear for my life even. i would not tell hardly any of them about my past, not even a question. i have this one friend i have been with since we were 6.. and she doesn't even know.

i have learned a lot of lessons as well.

i'm not sure about the chapter... i'll think on it. If yes, i'll just give you my yahoo mail addy or something.

and as for worthless or no... do you see now? You can say that stuff till the cows come home, wont help... i have even tried all sorts of "positive thinking" stuff in the past and just never gotten anywhere. Compliments and stuff roll off my back like water off a duck. i have a pile of awards and stuff laying around in various boxes and closets or drawers, never helps me stop feeling like a failure.

it's a belief.. and like T says, if a belief were quick or easy to change it wouldn't be a belief at all.