ElevatedSoul,

I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless right now. I can sense your pain and frustration, and your fear that things will never get better. It is frustrating and discouraging when you don't feel like the treatment providers you see really hear or understand what you are trying to communicate. Have you told them you don't feel understood? What would they need to do in order for you to feel they heard you and understand your situation? Communication between you and your treatment providers is important. If something is standing in the way of that, it is worth bringing it up and discussing what is preventing them from understanding.

Regarding alcohol, you don't need me to tell you that it usually makes somebody with unstable emotions feel even worse. Even if initially it takes your mind off your problems, it leads to more problems. It only compounds the confusion and pain you feel now. You don't need the problem of addiction added to the mental and emotional problems you are already having a hard time coping with. Unless you remove that influence from your life, your work to heal from your emotional and mental problems will be much, much harder. I suggest you work with your treatment providers to come up with list of healthy, substitute coping skills you can turn to when you are tempted to drink.

I also can't imagine how your reading about subjects like demonism and paranormal stuff is going to help your overall mental health. From what I've learned about it, it is a negative, dangerous road to go down. I would strongly suggest you avoid reading about subjects like that and find books that will encourage you along your path to healing...subjects that will build you up, things that make you feel good. If you find that you are resistant to doing things to help yourself and, instead, you turn to alcohol and fill your mind with depressing, scary, or negative ideas, it would be very important to talk to your treatment providers about your tendency to be self-destructive. That needs to be addressed. Unless you feel that you are worthy, and that your life is worth saving, you will not be motivated to help yourself.

Another thing that struck me when reading your post is that you seem to be easily triggered by painful subjects that your therapists raise in your therapy sessions. Because these discussions upset you so much, your tendency is not to go to therapy because you feel that it only makes you feel worse. Like you, I have had a very difficult time being able to tolerate the intense pain that I felt in therapy sessions. Because I spent most of my life pushing away painful feelings and realizations, it didn't take very much talking about painful things for me to get totally overwhelmed emotionally to the point where I felt like I was being retraumatized.

My therapist finally realized that I am unable to tolerate more than just a small amount of trauma work in my sessions. We MUST go slowly or we get nowhere. That's just the way it is. Until we started slowing down, and taking things a small piece at a time, we weren't getting anywhere because every 3 or 4 sessions, I'd have an emotional breakdown and would then want to quit therapy because it felt way too painful to endure. I am wondering if your therapy work needs to be taken in much smaller chunks as well. If you relate with my situation, please discuss it with your therapist. Tell her you absolutely need to take things slower or it is simply too painful to continue therapy.

Also, if you haven't already, you might look up the subject "Highly Sensitive Persons" on the Web. At some point, my therapist came to realize that I am an HSP, which is why we had to slow down in our therapy work. HSPs feel emotions much more intensely, and once we get stirred up, it takes much longer for our nervous system to calm down than people who are not HSP. About 20% of the population are HSP. It is a real, provable, biological difference in the way our nervous system works. It comes with some great gifts, such as creativity and intuition, but it also makes any kind of traumatic experience much more painful to endure.

Really give thought to the suggestions we have made in your thread. I know you feel hopeless now, and it's hard to believe things could ever get better. But they can. Don't give up!