this isn't bipolar-related, but i just need to vent somewhere because I'm very upset.

so we found out yesterday morning my beloved uncle has stage 3-4 brain cancer. this came as a total shock. he went into the doctor thinking maybe he had a very minor stroke, and within 12 hours he got this life-changing diagnosis. my family is very small, very close. 2 parents, 1 uncle, 1 aunt, 1 cousin, 1 (94 y.o) grandma. my cousin and i grew up together in the same city, and we all live in the same city again now, which i'm thankful for. at the same time, it really feels as tho losing 1 person is like losing half of your entire family.

everyone is telling me to "be positive" but there really isn't anything to be positive about. the kind/stage of cancer basically means he has a year to live. there is 0% chance they can cure it, and only a 5% chance he will live for 5 more years. i'm afraid he doesn't even know this yet, as he is busy making plans for traveling and selling/buying a house (which is not even characteristic of him at all, as he has lived in the same house since he was a grad student decades ago). he is acting like it's no big deal, and so my grandma also thinks this. meanwhile, the rest of us have been googling like mad and seem to know more then he does about his own condition...which is a terrible feeling. i'm so scared for the moment the doctor reveals all of this to him, and when my grandma realizes she will probably outlive her son. if i could maintain their false hope, i think i would.

no one in my family has ever had cancer before - i used to think this made us really lucky because it seems like every other person has had it. we just die from freak accidents and heart attacks. this was supposed to be a stroke, that's what we do. i just really don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to burden anyone with my pessimism, but i can't pretend i don't know the facts. the thought of losing my uncle makes me panic. the thought of my aunt's and cousin's and dad's and grandma's pain is unbearable. i've never had to really deal with death or serious illness and i don't know how. i'm just so heartbroken.