i appreciate it...

i have problems with communication... fears...
i am sometimes unable to speak up about things, unable to say things that i desperately need or want to say... my voice is cut off and even though my inner voice cries my physical voice makes no sound... i'll just look at the wall or the floor...
so i have not been able to say to them that i feel unheard, misunderstood, for fear of rejection... fear that they will get mad at me... and such things...

i don't know why i am like this... i see most of the time it seems everyone around me having no problem speaking up and saying whats on their minds... saying things they need or want to say... and it often makes me feel less than because i am unable to do...

it brings up a bit of self hatred... despise...

i know alcohol complicates things... thats why i went to rehab for it and detoxed...
now im not drinking... and dont really have the desire to... but still have to work on other addictions at some point... its just difficult when i have nothing else to turn to for relief... to relieve pressure... as a release... or coping skills... since im not cutting now as well..

i don't know why i become self destructive sometimes... i dont mean to, and its definitely not my intentions with my reading about various subjects...
i just find myself looking for answers... i've looked everywhere for answers...
but lately i haven't been doing very much reading at all due to increase in different symptoms

i've been trying to watch movies though... comedies, fun stuff.. to take my mind off the bad stuff...

i do feel like i am worth saving, atleast part of me i think... im a good guy...
but i feel like i don't know if i can be saved in manner of speaking...?
i feel trapped... and mixed feelings... and maybe like no one wants to save me because of what i am... or maybe i dont need saved at all, or maybe im not worthy of being saved, i don't even know to be honest... i mean who am i to ask this of anyone?

i am trying really hard though...
atleast i think i am trying... i feel like i am trying...
i am doing all of my appointments... taking all of the medication...
trying to use all of the advice everyone gives me... i just feel like nothing is working...
feel like maybe im doing everything wrong... like maybe its all my fault that i am not getting better, and maybe probably it is... like maybe im just choosing to be sick...
and that makes me really hate myself... because i cant understand why i would do that... when i feel like i am trying so hard... yet at the same time feeling like maybe im not... i just get so confused... i hate being confused, i really hate this

i am triggered by a lot of things very easily.. not just in therapy

they are "making" me get a new therapist so i guess i will have to try it again with someone new... although i dont want to do therapy right now... i just want to take a break... and be alone for a while...

i have read about HSP..
i agree with it... but i have also been reading about the borderline personality stuff since my ex-therapist told me i have the borderline traits and ****...
so i just feel really messed up... super sensitive.. emotionally unstable...

but i have a lot of cognitive dissonance... i tell myself im ok, but i dont believe it, but i do at the same time, on different levels - i dont understand myself...

how i can walk around like this, how i can be bleeding inside, dieing, and operating just fine on the outside world to where people dont believe me when i do try to get the courage up enough to speak up a little bit and say something about my condition...

it takes me to start falling apart drastically on the outside for everyone to see that i am not doing so well... which i have been falling apart on the outside world lately... and its really been difficult... because i get embarrassed so much, so easily... because i want to be strong, to hide all my pain and suffering from the world... but i cant lately... and its changing me on a core level... like i dont recognize myself anymore...

i dont know what i am becoming... i dont know whats happening to me... and i dont know if its a good thing or bad thing... but i cant stop it or control it...

i just dont want to lose myself... i dont want to lose my life...
im already so unhappy... i dont want it to get worse... i dont want it to bleed through to the outside world... but its been bleeding through and contaminating everything...

maybe i have just always bottled everything up before and im just unable to bottle stuff up anymore... i dont know...

i dont know what to do now because i dont have coping skills, im trying to learn coping skills but its not easy...
i feel like the things that work for other people dont work for me... and it makes me upset and angry and depressed and stuff because it doesnt work... makes me feel like a fraud and unfixable because of it...

brings up so much self hatred... but then i fight myself because i dont hate myself...
these confusing feelings and emotions are things i cant explain...