J,

I had a good day, but I'm struggling this evening. I'm randomly getting intrusive images of S (Ex-T) being other peoples' therapist in Arizona. It hurts. It hurts because he said no to me. Because he doesn't want to be my therapist. Which feels like he's saying he doesn't want to take care of me. Which feels like a parent saying I don't want to take care of you. He told me that he has no emotional reserve to be there for me emotionally. But, he will be there for his new clients. And that's all I wanted. I would've paid for it for forever. But for whatever reason, he doesn't think I'm worth it. Or maybe I just had my turn and he thinks that's enough. I feel replaced. So replaced. On Tuesday, we were talking about how being in Arizona will mean new women to date, and he interjected "and no, you're not going to be replaced," because in the past, I've expressed that I fear him dating will = my being replaced/forgotten -- except his ex, who he was with when I met him -- because I knew who he was with her. It scared me when they broke up. But anyways. I feel replaced anyways. I'm going to be forgotten. I want my mom. I want my mom. My mom doesn't want me. I want S. I want S. S doesn't want me.

I want to cut. I hurt. I want to cut. If I cut... maybe someone will help me. If I cut, the pain will be real will be visible will matter.
It doesn't matter if I matter to everyone else
If I don't matter to S, I don't matter
That's how I feel
I know that's not about S
It's got to be about my parents
If I didn't matter to them, I didn't matter period, right?

I don't know how to get S OUT of that spot in my life. And he keeps talking about being my parent. But that's not fair. You can't treat me like I'm your kid one second and then treat me like I need to be able to accept not looking to you for anything the next... I can't be both... I can't do this I can't be both. You're not my parent, I'm not your kid, you've made that clear, so it's not fair to keep randomly treating me like your kid in unfair ways -- like not giving me closure sessions "for my own good" and not telling me what your new job is "for my own good" and on and on and on "for my own good," but it's NOT it's NOT in my best interest it wasn't in my best interest, and I'm not your kid, you don't get to decide these things for me!