I want to scream
and scream
and scream
until someone hears me
until someone cares
until I'm not alone
I feel so alone
I feel entirely alone without S, and I hate it I hate it I hate it, because I know it's not true, but it feels true
I'm scared of you leaving on this trip, J
I'm scared of S moving away this weekend
I'm scared that everyone is leaving, and I will be alone
The little kid in me is in a panic
Desperate to stop S from moving desperate for it to not be true... but it is... and I can't stop it... she can't stop it... it doesn't matter how much it hurts me, how much I cry or beg or plead, it doesn't matter... I have no say, no control
I work so hard to be in control. Of everything.
But I cannot control this.
I cannot control when people leave me.
I cannot control when other people change.
I can't do anything about this. To stop it. To change it.
It feels like this pain will never stop. And I want to die. To make it stop. To not have to deal with this. To not experience this ever again.
I'm sick thinking about these upcoming weeks.
I'm sick thinking about your being gone.
I'm tired. It's exhausting. Living is exhausting.