What makes me feel this way is how quick I can go from "joking" to straight up beat cop accusatory towards my loved ones. It's because the other shoe will always drop with me around.

I was fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be diagnosed with cancer a couple years back. Reason why it's fortunate: the process of getting better took away all dignity. From needing to be helped walking, to need help cleaning myself; my dignity was wiped. Still, asking for help because of cancer and treatments was, and is, easier than asking for help because of PTSD. When it's physical and a slap in the face, I couldn't help but request assistance. When it's psychological and more hidden from others, it's like I should be ashamed.

In truth, we shouldn't be ashamed. PTSD can't be helped any more than cancer can. Both are crippling and both require assistance. Still, that doesn't help with the feelings of becoming a shell due to all of the pain mixed with the loss of dignity. So, all I can say is: Push. Push passed all of the "shame" (though there is none to be had) and accept the new you. Embrace them. You'll be that person for a while until you change again. Everyone changes, just some more abruptly than others. And some more drastic.

You can't help what's happened to you any more than I could stop my tumor from growing. What you're "left" with, is still a strong and viable person. Still worthy of help and care. Still strong in ways many people will never understand. Remember that, Trace. You're still strong and still important, least of all to me.