I don't know where else to share about this, because even my spouse doesn't understand how messed up I can get in some relationships. It doesn't happen in real life now though it did when i was younger. Now it only occurs in a therapy relationship, basically intense maternal transference.

My T is awesome. She is also, unfortunately, currently out of town. I have someone else I worked with, a body/energy therapist.

From the beginning we did a lot of talking ( ill call her BT) and discussing feelings. She also works on the "whole universe is made of love" pov, so also a lot of talk about love. So love, intense nurturing touch, talking about feelings.....

Yeah developed intense maternal transference.in short, she just fired me bc of that...

So turns out, I find out now that all that talking and stuff isn't what she normally does. She normally only does body work. But she wanted to "branch out to different forms of healing"...i guess i was a guinea pig?????

I struggle with boundaries bc of the transference. My T manages this really really well. But BY, she gave a lot of mixed messages. Shed tell me not to email her, but then send a long reply, or tell me how much she liked connecting with me. Shed self disclose but then pull out the "were not friends" boundary. Shed say I have to leave exactly on time but then chat sbout her cat after time was up. I guess she was annoyed by all if this but I didn't know bc if you really want me to leave why are you chatting with me????

We've had a few intense emotional incidents bc of my transference....last week we had a sort of crisis . I got hurt pretty bad and was in the ER. I texted her for support( she'd previously said I could texr her) and she basically told me not to bother her.

That went poorly.

I was very very hurt, and our next session just made it worse bc she refused to acknowledge that it had intensely hurt me. I know she didn't mean it to. And if she doesn't want me to text her I won't. But it still hurt me deeply.

After the session there was a heated email exchange, which apparently drained her of all energy...which I thought she would respond if she wanted to and not she didn't. Also that I was "blaming" her.

Then after a year and a half of working together she sends me an email firing me. I called her, thinking there was a misunderstanding but no I am "exhausting " "volatile " "unpredictable " and "she doesn't do emotional healing" like wtf were we doing all this time then??? If its not whar you do, why did you ever ever start doing it????

I feel so broken. This is my worst nightmare. All my child hood abuse was centered around how everyone eould be better off without me bc I was so abnormal and defective and sucking the life out of everyone.

BT has totally washed her hands of me . She says she is "doing it with love" which i think is bs .
When it was happening I was too ashamed to tell my T although my T referred me to BT and sometimes they talk about me so I don't know what T does or doesn't know . I am so broken now i don't care about being ashamed so I left my T a voice mail.

I'm so ashamed. With my T I have learned to control the feelings but with BT the transference feelings were much harder to control. I don't know why and I don't understand why i am so broken....

That didn't go well.