Thankyou for writing this post. I have never been able to express what you wrote because it is so difficult to pinpoint reality and perspectives. Plus living a masked life can almost, as you say, become a 'life', although, as you said,...deep down i know it isn't.
From a young age i have felt entirely different from everyone. I used to describe it as though i was an alien from outer space when i was younger but as i grow up i am now starting to think about it more in terms of angels and devils....more religiously.
Like you, i know this is an abnormal feeling. I have said to many of my friends that i am most probably a possible...whats the word....person the is the key between 2 worlds. They laugh and although i know it is strange, i still feel it. But yes i go about for long periods too just pretending away (or maybe it is real??) that i am a normal girl like i believe most of my friends and family feel all the time.
I completely understand what you mean about it not being radically different ('the outside world') but yes how can you explain these subtle differences that make the stark diffence!? I have a hard time trying to comprehend them myself let alone tell anyone else. Plus the answers i feel i should have being the 'in-between' person i am i do not even have, although i feel somewhere deep down i do, i just think my tie to reality is stopping me from unearthing it. Do i regret this? Yes and no. No because when i look at others without these feelings they look content and ignorent...but yes because i often feel if i could lose my 'earthly' self i could achieve a great deal. I do feel trapped in a way.
Yes, the worst thing is in a way that i am here on earth, i haven't found a way to seperate myself from 'myself' so i have to find a way to fit together. Sure i guess too like you i could go ahead and have an ok life, i know i can get a job and in the future a house etc and build a 'life' for myself but so many times when i think about this, even though it is what i truly want it fills me with complete dread - i am but am not that person.

Quote:
Once upon a time, I requested knowledge directly from the God of the Universe. I was taken to the source of all knowledge. Standing in that doorway, as it were, in the light of that source, every shred of what might be labeled human is stripped from me. I see the universe for what it is. It is not what people think it is.

I am not at this point. I still feel at a distance from what i will now call God (although i wish not to cause offense because it is words i choose to explain things to myself). I hesitate to write this but at times i feel like i fell down from 'heaven' (again the words i use that fits the most appropriately for this idea) and got lost. I truly believe that at some point i will be remembered and set free from this reality although at the same time i know this is a strange idea to have.
Yeh i bet people do think - "so if you know its not right then just ignore it" - but it is not as easy as that is it? It's like denying who you are.
I believe i am not from this world and my fear is that due to this i will be used by unGodly things to spead further dispair and pain. What if i am blind and i am unable to see what my purpose is?
I do feel connected to things on earth. I love my family and friends. I feel deeply for the earth and everyone on it. But sometimes yes i will look down out of a window and just see a merry-go-round of pointless acts.
I understood entirely what you wrote and am so thankful that you did. Finally someone out there who understands!! I could never have written as well as you did, as it is so difficult to explain the unexplainable. I often wonder if everyone feels like this but just doesn't talk about it and that because i do think about it i'm being a drama queen....i don't know what to think anymore to be honest. i'm not sure what is a 'normal' thought and what isn't....or if anything is truly 'normal'. Maybe this just is how it is and i should get used to it....

Quote:
I am concerned that the challenge of constructing a fake persona again may be insurmountable.

Yes - i have fallen, i am still here but can i really keep pretending? And for how long? A lifetime?

Thank you for the post. I made it through. You say you have no answers....prehaps we can just share thoughts though? I didn't think anyone else felt this way!