Trigger warning: sexual assault.

Hi,

My first sexual experience was sexual assault.

This happened almost a decade ago. I had run away from home and a guy offered me money to have sex with him. I refused. He asked several more times and pulled off the road into a selcuded area just outside of the town I lived in and didn't take know for an answer. Common theme with my previous story, I finally said yes. He refused to have sex with me and instead suggest oral or I get out of his car.

He gave me money.


I never fully talked about this experience. It was always pushed more to the back of my mind. Had I fully addressed it? Maybe. Had it been talked over with a therapist? Once. Maybe it was the factI spent seven months in the mental hospital after that for many other reasons that I was better able to deal with it. Maybe it just didn't bother me. My mom didn't believe me. I started therapy a few weeks back, and I haven't brought up this, as if it doesn't exist.

I was diagnosed with PTSD from the experience and from my childhood. In the hospital, thinking about it made me stop whatever I was doing and just try not to let it take my focus. But it did.

But when I was sexually assaulted and raped three times more three and fours years after that incident, I am having a hard time accepting and processing that any of it was assault and rape.

I seem to have let the first experience go entirely in some ways, but I'm still upset by it when regarding my newer traumas. Was it really that bad, that first incident? Was it really something I didn't want, because he gave me money...? Should I never tell my therapist about it? Maybe.

But maybe because I let what my mom had said and so many people had said and never got the help for the first incident that that is why my newer traumas haunt me the way they do. I didn't get help right away like last time, even if last time it was against my will