I've been struggling really hard lately with not relapsing.

I have been so stressed out since my last real relationship fell apart last year, and I was doing so well with not indulging in blow (I get withdrawl symptoms such as phantom drips and and cravings when I am stressed out); had been clean for about a year and a half.

I guess I should say I started experimenting with it when I was 18, had just graduated high school. I had only ever smoked pot prior but after having some drinks one night with some friends I tried it. It had replaced my addiction to self harming, basically just swapped one for the other.
I wasn't an addict until about a year later, I moved provinces and started making friends (which was a big deal to me) and was working in a bar. Next thing I know it was just so readily available (where I lived, pot was expensive and hard to find) and everyone did it while partying. I ended up having to move home over a year later with my boyfriend at the time, as we were unable to keep up with bills, or even feed ourselves, as all our money was going to that next ball.

Anyways.

I was clean for so long and then I relapsed. It wasn't full blown - it was a functioning relapse, but every time I did it, I would be so depressed and spend all day the next day crying and hating myself for relapsing. I think I have dipped into it about 6 times in the past year. I have been so angry at myself.

More or less just venting, I have some ways to cope with the withdrawls and cravings but mostly find just isolating myself from anywhere that it may pop up in is most efficient, but hard. The last guy I was seeing was bad for buying it - knowing my history with it - when we would be drinking, and then offering me it, when I can't say no.

Anyone else here struggling with that dastardly drug?? I love it, but hate it so much. I'm here if anyone needs to vent as well! I know it can be difficult trying to recover - it pains me that I don't even have family to turn to as I could never bear to let my mother know, I kept it a secret to keep from breaking her heart.

Much love and thank you