Backround:
J = new therapist
S = ex therapist

Tonight's session with J was really, really good. Really hard, but really good. (Some TW for mention of past assault)

J has now said outright that, whether he meant to or not, S manipulated and hurt me. That he did something wrong. He also keeps reemphasizing that I'm not to blame, but it was really hard for me, because he was calling out specific things that S and I did and was like "try to look from the outside looking in... imagine a therapist getting a tattoo that has emotional significance between him and a client... imagine a therapist driving to a client's house to give them a hug... imagine a therapist allowing a client to just show up every evening to get a hug..." .... his listing these things brought me so much shame -- I literally had to grab my ears whenever he said anything about it not being my fault... because I wanted it... and because some of those actions were MINE -- I drove to his office for hugs. That's something I did, not something S did.

I told J that I was afraid that he would think I wanted from him what I'd wanted with S, to which J responded that whether I wanted it or not, he wouldn't do those things. Which brought me so much more shame, because him saying that made me think "omg he really thinks that I want it... he's already thought through how he would respond to me." What I didn't say and what I'm thinking right now is that I'm afraid that I am an overly seductive and manipulative person. I am afraid that I seduced and manipulated S into giving me these things. My rational (or, rather, wise) mind knows that that isn't true, but I fear it anyways... I fear it in general, actually... that I am this seductive person, and that is why I've been hurt in the past, and that I have no right to be hurt by what men did to me, because I asked for it...I seduced them.

All of this I will have to bring to J again when he gets back. There was just not enough time to get everything out. Fortunately, J is coming home a day earlier than anticipated, so I am only missing one session with him. I will see him 2 Fridays from now.

J also agreed that I am replaying something from my childhood. He says "you were completely parched, S offered you gallons of water at once, of COURSE you took it." Again and again with the "it's not my fault," but I honestly just cannot believe that right now. Also, I am just mortified....mortified at what I wanted. I am embarrassed that I WANTED so much. I feel like a bad person (to which J responded that everyone has needs. "I have needs," he said "and I'm proud of it!")

J also said that a therapist is not meant to be a primary attachment figure. That they can guide attachment -- but that their job is to help the client attach to others in their real life. Their job is not, for example, to swoop in and comfort, console, and try to solve the problems in the client's life when that client comes in crying... but to say "I can see you are upset, can you describe what you are feeling?" and act as a guide.

Gosh there was just so much more, but I'm having a hard time recalling it all to put it into a coherent post. I'm also just really jumbled up about what I've spent the last 3 years doing...and how it's impacted me (guys, I can't even remember the person I was before S...she is a mystery to me) -- we talked about my therapy with S -- I told J some more things S had said (S always told me that my world lens was messed up and to, instead, come to him to ask what was real/how the world worked and to believe his answers about how the world really works....J was pretty shocked at this...). J was very attuned, I felt very much heard, and I felt he was on my side. But I told him, and I've said here, that I'm just not there yet... I know somewhere in my head that S has treated me poorly... but right now, I am not in a place where I can confront that. J has said "to keep S in your life, you have to sacrifice YOU." And I said to him, "right now, it feels like if I lose S, I lose me." And that's just where I am. He told me to take my time.

It was a really good session. Also, Group T called J to let him know I had shared in group this week (I've signed papers so they can talk). It made me feel weirdly taken care of to know that they'd spoken to one another about me. An interesting feeling.

I'm going to miss J this week. I am still feeling pain over his trip and the timing of it (S just confirmed he's leaving tomorrow for Arizona). But, I'm really glad I'm only missing one Friday (and I'll see Group T instead this week anyways). I'm glad he'll be back by the Friday after.

He encouraged me to try and relax while he's gone. I'm going to try. I'm just really.... upset. I feel a lot of grief not just over S leaving...but over whatever I've spent the last 3 years doing to myself that I now have to undo. I can't decide if I wish S never got this phone call so I could still be in therapy with him...or if I wish I'd never met him to begin with.