He called. He assured me he has no plans to end therapy at this point, but he wants me to understand that it will eventually happen. I told him I am trying, and I just had a major breakthrough, and I'm more sensitive and raw than I expected.

I told him I want to start identifying when I'm trying to self sabotage and learn how to catch it and stop it the same way I learned to do that with drinking and anorexia. I emphasized that this is all in the spirit of recovery. It's always hard to tell if he believes me.

I've had such strong urges to self-sabotage in the last 24 hours. I've seriously considered drinking, but I know I'd only be drinking to punish him, and this is exactly the kind of manipulation I'm trying to stop.

I do feel a bit better having talked with him again. Yesterday I was confused and afraid to say much, but today I could say my piece. That did help.

Thank you all so much for your support through these very hard days.