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Originally Posted by TheDragon
Furthermore, the biggest struggle in the process of me learning to accept and acknowledge the others is that I have never once felt like we are all part of one. No matter how much I read up on DID, and am told by the treatment team that we are all one on some level, I don't experience it that way. I understand and even accept the concept, but it's purely a concept to me. It's like knowing what our solar system is, but it's only a concept that I've learned through text and pictures, not something I can experience directly. Because of this, no matter how hard I try, I can't see us as being one, and whenever I read in the DID literature that "they're all part of you" there's just a huge disconnect.
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I really identified with this paragraph. I am a very intelligent person who is well read and probably over-educated. So I get the fact that the paradigm insists that we are all one person but, like you, don't experience it that way. Fortunately, my treatment team is committed to honoring my experience of reality.
I told my T that since I understood that we were all one cognitively, I would appreciate her describing DID as it pertains to me/us as 'one' or 'parts of a whole' - as a way to reinforce this reality. She expressed her discomfort at doing so but agreed. That lasted a week. In an extremely rare move for me, I went back the next week and told her that I had changed my mind. My little began experiencing a great deal of distress over this new framework and her distress is my distress - not in a 'we are one' kind of way, but in a 'someone I love is hurting' kind of way.
So, now we are back to honoring our experience and the disconnect is gone. Incidentally, it is that particular little's birthday today and if I didn't take a moment to point that out....I would expect a little more distress.
Cake and ice cream tonight.
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Originally Posted by TheDragon
I WANT to feel that way sooner, and I keep drilling myself that if I know this to be true, why can't I believe it.
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Why?
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Originally Posted by TheDragon
I want to progress in treatment and I know that this acceptance will help further that process,
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Perhaps for you personally, this is true, but I reject this as a blanket statement for all with DID. I also reject it as an automatic for you. You may be right of course, you and your treatment providers know you and I don't, but there is not a one size fits all treatment plan.
For instance, my treatment team does not believe that integration is the right goal for us. They have shared that in most cases they have dealt with, integration IS the goal, but not with me. Why? Their explanation consists of the following reasons:
1. We are stable and have been for many years.
2. We are high functioning.
3. We are, in their words, more than the sum of our parts.
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Originally Posted by TheDragon
...but I simply do not feel that way and cannot force myself to feel that way. It's frustrating because everything feels like it's taking so long and while I understand this is going to be a long process, I feel stuck and it's driving me a bit batty.
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Twenty miles in, twenty miles out. You've been DID for how long? Not the diagnosis, but actually having it? This is a well established reality for you and you want to replace it. It's going to take time. Probably a lot of time.
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Originally Posted by TheDragon
I've always been very good at separating my cognitive thought process and my emotions naturally, much more than others.
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My T tells me that I show an enormous capacity for utilizing both parts of my brain and she is right, but I always lead with my left. It is extremely compartmentalized, but I'm at home on either side. There is never any doubt for me, and it sounds like you too, which side of the brain is having an idea.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDragon
I know for most people they go together more than they'd like to admit, but for me, it's totally disconnected, and this is a case where I can cognitively know something and work through it repeatedly, but it hasn't changed the way I experience yet.
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*nods* I am reluctant to share my spiritual ideas here but it is germane to this comment. I saw my therapist about fourteen hours ago and we discussed something similar. I believe, wholeheartedly and without reservation, that we are all one. Not just me and my alters/parts but the world.
Though not a Christian myself but knowing that she is, I framed it as 'the body of Christ'. Though spiritually I absolutely believe that all sentient beings are connected and One, I rarely experience it that way though I have had individual moments where I see, feel and experience that Oneness. We discussed how DID has actually given me a framework in which I can touch the concept of the many being One that spiritually minded singletons can only dream of.
The experience of having DID has enriched my spiritual life. It's allowed me to sit with a homeless person and (yes, really) heads of state and (again, really) Hollywood A-listers and the like and see them as parts of the same whole. It's not consistent, and sometimes to be honest, I'm saddened and even shamed by my lack of consistency for something I know to be true. But then I brush it off - I'm human. I do my best and so do my alters - individually and together.
If I were to give any advice, and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'd say that you are right where you are suppose to be. Enjoy the view where you are at because it'll change.