Well that was fun. I was crying before roboT even got back to his office. He walked in and sat down, asked me about a bandage I have on my hand. Then how I was doing, because I looked rough. "I don't know."

Then we sat in awkward silence for a moment. He was giving me a look. "Was the lie that obvious?" He chuckled and said yes. "Well, I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to be here. Can't we just sit in awkward silence for an hour?"

RoboT said that he was glad that I came, then asked if something had happened or if it was just a long week. Neither. Then he said, "well, we're going to end up talking about this anyway, so I'm just trying to shorten the route."

So I told him I was upset last week when he brought up his vacation, and that I knew it had nothing to do with me, but it was really terrible timing because I'm going to be alone in my thoughts for 5 weeks. I told him about my brother in law being on a 72 hour hold, and mused if I would be next. Then I told him that I felt stupid for having this conversation, that I felt bad that I was taking my emotions out on him, etc.

He said that he wasn't upset, that I shouldn't feel bad. He asked if the feelings were stemming from feeling rejected and abandoned, and I said yes. He said he understood, that those feelings made sense given my history, and that he felt honored that I was sharing all of this with him.

I said I was tired of being controlled by my emotions. That I wish I could be one of those people that just shoved their emotions on the shelf. That my emotions were too easily accessible. Then he was talking about how it sounded like a lot of my feelings about my emotions are rooted in judgement and self criticism. Uhh, duh.

So the real catalyst was when he said that he was genuinely sorry, and that I deserved to be taken care of by my parents. I sobbed/yelled, "Then why didn't they do it?" I don't know how long I cried. Long enough. T was talking throughout, saying that it was OK to cry, that he could tell I was in a lot of pain, etc. Then he scooted his chair directly in front of me and put his hands on my arms and was trying to physically console me. He pulled away after a moment or two, then said something else that I can't remember. I started to cry even harder, like, I was whimpering crying. He reached out to console me again, his hands on my arms, and I instinctually started to pull away and shake my head. He saw it and felt it and pulled away. I'm mad at myself in retrospect. The only thing I want from him sometimes is to just like, bear hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I started to self soothe (eventually) and was sitting there holding the pillow that is on the couch. He said that he could see that I was trying to comfort myself, and I told him that was part of it, but the other part was so that I could hide away. He asked like if I was embarrassed, and I said yes. He said that he wasn't getting that from me, and that he was really personally touched that I was willing to be so raw and honest with him. Then I buried my face in the pillow, to which he replied, "ah, there's the embarrassment."

He said that he was glad we were talking about the feelings of rejection and abandonment now, because it confirmed for him that he did the right thing by telling me in January that his practice was changing at the end of the year. That he could tell it was going to be hard for me. I told him that I wished I had stopped seeing him the day that he told me. He said he understood why, but that he's glad that I didn't.

By this point I had cried most of it out, and was deep breathing to try to center myself. RoboT was trying to encourage me to stay in the emotion, but I just couldn't. I needed distance. I said that I was tired of crying like a baby.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair in what I think of as his thinking stance. He does this thing when he's deep in thought where he'll put his hands in a praying position, but his thumbs are resting against his nose. He started to say something, then stopped himself. I asked him to share, please. He said that he just wished that he could pluck the self-critical part of me out of my head and get rid of it. I laughed and started talking about the Pensieve in Harry Potter, where I could just use my wand to pull it out and put it in a basin. I don't think that roboT has read Harry Potter; he didn't understand what I was saying. That made me sad.

But then I said, "I hope you don't think that I'm obfuscating here, but this actually reminds me of a conversation I had with someone this past week. I know that the way that I view myself is so distorted. I really wish that I could see myself in the way that other people do." He asked me if I needed someone else's perspective, and I said no, that I wanted to do it for myself.

He said OK, then what do you think your strengths and weaknesses are? I asked him if it was bad I wanted to launch into the negatives first, and he said he wasn't surprised. I told him no, I was going to sandwich it.

I said that first that I was empathetic and intelligent. He agreed.

I said that I was stubborn, to which he replied that can be both good and bad. I said that it can be self-preserving, but that I often am stubborn for no good reason. H's favorite word to describe me is "obstinate."

I said that I'm quick to anger, and roboT said that he hadn't really seen that in session. He pondered about road rage, and yes, I have the worst road rage.

I said that I hold everyone to a high standard, especially myself. I don't give people a chance to get close to me. I said that if I were less standoffish that I would have more friends.

I went back to positive and said that I care deeply for others, which he agreed with, and that I am driven and determined. He said that's what he meant by stubborn being good for me. It serves me well at work because he can see that I fight for what's best for my students. That's actually the same comment that my principal made during my summative evaluation.

RoboT came back to intelligence, and that he was glad that I thought I was. He said it was impressive how easily I'm able to take in and understand new information. I corrected him, I know I am intelligent. He seemed taken aback my how assured I was in saying that. I said it was because I have empirical evidence: I know what my IQ score is. He asked how I knew, so I told him that my stepmom had to administer IQ tests in different age ranges for a class she took, and how her professor thought that she had scored my test wrong or administered it wrong because it was so high. RoboT asked what the number was, not because it was important, but because he was curious. I told him (145), then we discussed standard score and standard deviation for a moment.

I mused that I wish I was more emotionally intelligent. RoboT was surprised, "but you're so emotionally intelligent!" I said, no, I guess I meant that I wish I could more easily regulate my emotions. He agreed, saying that it was one of the keys to me finding peace, but that I needed to accept myself for that to happen.

He dumped all over CBT for a minute, but he framed it talking about psychological theory that he doesn't really practice. I told him, "yes, both T1 and T2 primarily practiced CBT, and that's why I chose you. It didn't work for me, so I wanted to try something different." He said that he thought changing the negative thought wasn't the trick, but that accepting the negative thought gives it less power.

He asked then if I had gotten the mindfulness materials that he had sent, which I had. He asked if I had tried meditating, and I had, but it was hard. These attitudes of acceptance and patience, etc. are the things I am not good at. He said that it's hard at first, but that if I stick with it, it should be easier. He challenged me to use our break as a way to incorporate meditation into my daily routine and see how it helped. It's the first time he's ever given me homework.

Then we discussed schedule. I'm booked halfway through August, could he put me down through the end of September? I said yes, but decided not to see him on my birthday. He was like, oh, that Saturday is your birthday? Mine is like, 4 days later. He doesn't believe in astrology, but we're the same sign, so it must mean something, him laughing as he says this. I laughed and said no, astrology is garbage, but that he and I are alike in so many ways. He agreed. I told him it's why I both hated him and loved him.

I told him as I was getting up to leave that I sincerely hope he enjoys his vacation. He said he'll bring pictures when I see him on July 29th. 35 sleeps until I see him again. I hope he doesn't forget me. I hope he comes back like he said he would.