life experiences

I’m not great at it (especially since most is only in flashback form) but here’s a short run down;

3yrs- Washed ‘inside’ by dad’s mom in the shower with her, and later by my own mom in the shower with her... mom confirmed "that's how babies are washed".

3-5 no idea - I have some non-dominant hand writings and pictures of that time that talk about dad and remember one tantrum where I didn’t want mom to leave me with him.

4 - let a boy touch me in the car on the way to swim class - knew it was wrong. was afraid his mom would see. knew i was bad for letting him touch me there.

6 - more non-dominant writings and drawings indicating dad

8 - kids wouldn’t let me play unless I “showed them” and let them touch me. This went on several times. A male teacher saw and threatened to tell my mother what I had done. I had a violent flashback (while eating) involving him forcing a boy on me in my mouth saying “you wanna be an adult? This is what adults do”.

8-10 - real bad flashbacks of this time indicating incestuous rape by dad, also terrible leg pains every night before bed as well as horrific migraines often.

11- mom was gone for 6 weeks (which she had to remind me about because I completely forgot) and more flashbacks of this time. One small apartment with the single bathroom having the main door and one to the master bed room - flashback indicating that dad would gain access either before or after my showers and bring me into his room.

12 - neighbors dad took his already abused and neglected daughter, my friend C....., and I up into his furniture-less house and raped us each in turn. This is also in flashback form - I have fairly solid reason to believed we were all drugged; my memory holds S......(his daughter who always seemed out of it) offered us “pixie dust” (what I thought was powdered candy) and had us go to her apt. Things got fuzzy and just after we got there, S.....laid down on the floor, smiling blankly as usual, he put his hand on my shoulder and closed and locked the door and everything dimmed to black. I have faint recollections- confirmed by C....- of him and his house even though, as far as I know, I’ve never stepped foot in there. I was forbidden to go there and usually did as I was told. I couldn’t remember what he looked like even though mom did, and I still can’t remember his name for more than an hour or so.

18 - dated K....., very abusive. Said things to me like “You’re 18 and I’m 17, so I’ll have sex with you and claim it was statutory rape.” “You’re gonna have me my little girl. All I want is my little girl - and then I’ll kill ya.” he’d smack my legs, undress me when ever we were at his house, physically wipe off all my make up roughly, demand that I remove all jewelry and shave my legs. He “went down on me” (first time I had this -- I had told him no repeatedly, just like with everything) and then ridiculed me.

And just for extra fun, I had an attempted kidnapping at 11, a possible one at 9, and a stalking at 15. Oh and 2 attempted muggings in 1999.

i can't believe i just wrote everything. is this where i turn into a pumpkin or a toad or something? I feel like the secret police are gonna burst into my room and lock me up for spawning lies about my good-standing family. I wonder if i will ever get over that sense of impending doom.