Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDragon View Post
I WANT to feel that way sooner, and I keep drilling myself that if I know this to be true, why can't I believe it.
Why?

I understand on some level the faster I can fully accept everything, the faster I can get further in treatment. I can't really move to the next step until I'm fully able to accept it.

Perhaps for you personally, this is true, but I reject this as a blanket statement for all with DID. I also reject it as an automatic for you. You may be right of course, you and your treatment providers know you and I don't, but there is not a one size fits all treatment plan.

For instance, my treatment team does not believe that integration is the right goal for us. They have shared that in most cases they have dealt with, integration IS the goal, but not with me. Why? Their explanation consists of the following reasons:

1. We are stable and have been for many years.
2. We are high functioning.
3. We are, in their words, more than the sum of our parts.

I absolutely agree that this isn't a blanket statement that's true for everyone diagnosed with DID, but I do know that on some level I'm actively denying what's going on because it was a survival instinct for me for a while, at it does make it counter productive for my treatment.

Neither I or my treatment team is expecting me to work towards integration, because I'm very resistant to the idea, but more than anything, I'm so disconnected from the others that without truly knowing them or communicating with them, there's no point planning what is the best past that.

I definitely believe that I am more than the "sum of my parts." It's something I strongly feel about, but I'm starting to realize that it doesn't mean I can't get to know the others, especially if they can provide useful information in therapy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDragon View Post
...but I simply do not feel that way and cannot force myself to feel that way. It's frustrating because everything feels like it's taking so long and while I understand this is going to be a long process, I feel stuck and it's driving me a bit batty.

Twenty miles in, twenty miles out. You've been DID for how long? Not the diagnosis, but actually having it? This is a well established reality for you and you want to replace it. It's going to take time. Probably a lot of time.

You're right. This is the reality as I've always experienced it, and that's why trying to change it is hard. I shouldn't expect to be able to just change what is real to me, but I do kind of wish I could as needed.

I really identified with this paragraph. I am a very intelligent person who is well read and probably over-educated. So I get the fact that the paradigm insists that we are all one person but, like you, don't experience it that way. Fortunately, my treatment team is committed to honoring my experience of reality.

I told my T that since I understood that we were all one cognitively, I would appreciate her describing DID as it pertains to me/us as 'one' or 'parts of a whole' - as a way to reinforce this reality. She expressed her discomfort at doing so but agreed. That lasted a week. In an extremely rare move for me, I went back the next week and told her that I had changed my mind. My little began experiencing a great deal of distress over this new framework and her distress is my distress - not in a 'we are one' kind of way, but in a 'someone I love is hurting' kind of way.

So, now we are back to honoring our experience and the disconnect is gone. Incidentally, it is that particular little's birthday today and if I didn't take a moment to point that out....I would expect a little more distress. Cake and ice cream tonight.

You're dead on - That IS the current paradigm and with good reason, based on all the modern research that has been done. It makes sense to me and like you, I totally understand it cognitively, but yeah, I don't EXPERIENCE it that way. My team is pretty good about validating my experiences, but sometimes because they work off of the understood paradigm it can feel frustrating to me even after they've acknowledged my experience. I guess on some level, I wish I could read more research that's able to acknowledge and guide those in our position, where we understand, but don't experience it as such, and how to deal with that. All the literature just seems to be focused on initially resistance and acceptance, but not in great detail and certainly not from my point of view.

I want to eventually learn to have the compassion and empathy you have for your alters. I don't even care about fully changing my experience as much as being able to be where you are with your alters.

Also, happy birthday to the little one celebrating

If I were to give any advice, and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'd say that you are right where you are suppose to be. Enjoy the view where you are at because it'll change.

Your advice is very welcome and your post was very helpful. While I don't feel this way, this is basically what everyone I trust has been telling me, so it's nice to hear that reinforced here. I've always been highly critical and not easily complacent, so it'll take a while for me to learn to be more accepting of this entire experience of treatment, instead of trying to rush it.