We had a conversation. I conversation about cars and bug extermination, but a conversation none the less.

After all of the hell, he's still my dad. I still love him. I can't help that. Yes, he still scares me. Yes, I'm always on pins and needles because he can have an explosive episode at any moment, but... he's still my dad.

Am I a fool for still wanting him in my life? Am I an idiot for still needing his approval?

For ****s sake, he's my father. Maybe it's time I forgive him. I don't know.

I'm just worried because the last time I was like this -- ready to forgive -- I was immediately let down when he went back to his old ways. Ways that I doubt he's put away for good. Yes, I still want his approval. Yes, I still want to make him proud. Yes, I still want to have my father in my life. Even after all that's happened...

I just want my dad.

Am I an idiot? Should I trust this?