Weekends are usually a difficult time for me being that I have only one friend and she is out of town for 3 weeks. She is 20 years my senior and I met her in a psych ward about 5 years ago. Our relationship consists of commiserating, shoplifting and the occasional binge eating. She suffers from bulimia, so when we go out, I have to force myself to not engage in this behavior.

I know I'm feeling down in the dumps because I shoplifted today. I have not shoplifted for a few weeks and was feeling quite proud of myself. It was an impulse act that I did not give much second thought to. I just stole necessities like tooth paste, shampoo etc. I came home and crashed. I woke up from a nightmare and a feeling of utter disgust for myself.

Drinking has started to become a problem for me. It always has been, but this past couple of years it has worsened to a degree I find shameful. The last few times that I drank heavily, I ended up calling an old friend to smoke meth with. And another time, I posted an ad on craigslist for prostitution because I felt like having cash would make me feel better about myself. As a sex work survivor, I'm glad I didnt follow through on the the ad.

I guess whats bothering me lately is that I am very alone, unemployed, broke and am too proud to apply for disability. I had a string of bizarre relationships after my divorce of 3 years ago. The person that I keep thinking of is a 50 year old man (I'm 31) that I met at a bar. I broke it off this year on Valentine's Day due to his ahole behaviors. I blocked his number, and on nights that I drink, I unblock his number and beg for his love back. I logically know that if he was in my life again, I would be miserable. Yet I still long for his presence. Its driving me off the wall.

One night while we were dating, I rode with him on his Harley back to my place and he saw a bunch of pill bottles on my dresser. He said he couldn't believe that I mix alcohol with pills. He called me emotionally homeless. That term has yet to leave my mind because I feel it was so insensitive and maybe true. Regardless, we continued to date and he would make comments about my weight, about other women and that our relationship is temporary because he has 2 kids and I'm too young for him. He said I deserve someone my age who is successful. SO I did just that. I went on a date and he became very jealous, even though he was telling me to do it the whole time. He would take me out to dinner, bring me groceries, then complain about how much money he wastes on me that could be used to see hot dispensary girls and buy weed. I took him out on his birthday June 20 of last year to an expensive restaurant. I gave him a really well thought out bday card and he jokingly said, he would copy what I wrote and put it on a dating website to find single moms that could date him. Long story short, he kept saying he doesnt want to be with me because he thought I was young and wanted kids. I made up a lie that I'm sterile so that he would maybe consider us being more serious. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was desperate and afraid of his departure.

One year has passed, and I still long for him. I hate it. I know that I cannot be in a relationship with anyone right now. The reason I broke it off is because I found his first wife's phone number on the internet. She told me that he is still married to his second wife and they live together. I felt so betrayed. When I found this out, I called him excessively, left him really rude texts and no wonder why he did not want to deal with me anymore.

I guess I'm rambling at this point.

Last thing I wanted to share was that I got a mammogram a week ago due to recurring breast pain, which showed I have a mass on my left breast. My gut reaction was joy. I sometimes which I could have a terminal illness so I can die painfully the way I deserve to. And maybe people would have more compassion for me. I am going to get an ultra sound on Tuesday to see what is going on with that mass. Im hoping for bad news. Why>? My mom's two sisters have dealt with cancer and I know it is insidious. Why would I wish this upon myself? Maybe I'm having a pity party.

I wonder if there's anyone out here who has used malingering for attention, or if anyone has made up twisted lies in order to get people to feel sorry for them.

Thanks for reading,
I hope you dont read this with judgment as I was very afraid to share this on a forum I have not been in active in.