hey t. i hate that i was acting out so badly when i was there on thursday. but i've figured out where it was coming from, i understand it now, so i'm going to forgive myself and let it go and continue moving forward. i can't let myself get 'stuck' there! it's all part of my process, right? and this termination thing is a process in and of itself. i don't like that word, i prefer to call it 'ending' or 'wrapping up' but i keep using the proper word anyway, because i have to to make it stay real. we've shifted gears, but i haven't caught up to that shift just yet. next time i'm there i think i wanna talk about this little part of me that's angry at you for letting me go, even though ultimately i'm the one who made the decision. that little part of me i suppose wanted you to make me stay. and that's where the snooty version of you in that one dream came from huh. my psyche is completely all over the place with this ending!! i guess that's to be expected. like you said, we've known each other a long time. i was sitting outside last night trying to figure out how to start grieving the loss of 'us' because i know i need to - while i can still process it with you - but i didn't even know where to begin. i sat there, thinking about not seeing you anymore, but i couldn't quite feel it. this morning i figured something out. you've been asking me really good/hard questions for the past 5.5 years, right? so i must have learned something about asking those kinds of questions. so i should come up with a couple to ask myself and maybe that will help me. somehow i can know that i am sad about leaving, but i'm excited too, and it's hard to grieve amidst excitement?! i don't know. i'm just trying to be perfect, and there's no such thing as perfect. have i learned nothing? haha. it will be an interesting couple of weeks until i see you again that's for sure.