Hello,

Be careful not to assume it is unethical. Humans pick up on transference, good or bad. If a therapist asks if you have an erotic transference towards them it is almost always because they want to understand what is going on for you. Sometimes touching on embarassing subjects like sex is easier when the therapist makes the first attempt at talking about it.

Also, erotic transference can change the therapeutic alliance drastically. While boundaries are important in any relationship it is vital to set them when erotic transference is present; perhaps your therapist is picking up on something between the two of you that maybe you are unaware of, then again, maybe your therapist is completely wrong about it, in which case it is still within ethical bounds to ask.

Therapy can be invasive. Don't confuse unethical behavior with a therapist who may be asking invasive questions for (most likely) the right reasons.

Imagine if there was erotic transference and you didnt admit it. Imagine if, when you are extremely dysregulated in a session, the therapist hugs you or holds your hand (oblivious to the fact you have erotic transference). You could interpret this as a sexual advance or it could bring out even stronger sexual desires that will never be met. This can damage a patient.

Sometimes patients fail to communicate their experiences and so a therapist must step in and point a spotlight at a potential landmine that could arise later in treatment.

I think you should communicate this with your therapist, period. The only way you can get clarification about this is by asking your therapist, period. Coming and asking us is fine but we are not inside your therapeutic relationship, so how then can we give you genuine or accurate clarification?

I do not think your therapist is doing anything wrong. Remember, therapy is not just surface level. We think we are good at hiding things but their job is to help us; in other words, there may be a therapeutic reason why your therapist asks you this question... Is there any tiny bit of yourself that can see this as a good thing? The fact that you feel strongly enough about it to post on here is worthy of self analysis on its own... Perhaps this is a topic that needs more attention in which case, your therapist might just be that good...

Perhaps this will help...

I recently started therapy and I feel the therapist is a good fit. This therapist is my primary therapist.

In between sessions I went to a drop in style session at a different clinic and the drop in therapist I seen asked me who my primary therapist was. I said I didnt want to share. The therapist asked again, asking for even the first letter of a name.. I was taken aback by this. It was very invasive. Then this therapist asked if I was on medication... This really hurt. After the therapist left and had a peer review and came back for a final talk and to give me advice, I broke down in tears and said how painful and invasive it was to be asked these questions. I had a very traumatic experience in therapy previously and had been threatened to stay silent by a group of highly unethical healthcare professionals; so finding a safe place to work through my trauma is paramount to my healing process. I was crying hysterically and said I need my primary therapist to be unknown because if it wasnt I wouldnt be able to trust... The drop in therapist thanked me several times for sharing this because he/she was unware of my previous negative experience. The drop in therapist apologized and offered to put this in my notes so that future drop in therapists will not ask the same questions...

I could have easily taken this as unethical given the circumstances of my prior trauma in therapy world, but this is simply a therapist who was unaware and happened to stumble on a trigger of mine... Had I not shared this information the therapist would have never learned anything. There is a reason therapists will ask us what our triggers are; they don't want to hurt us. (Granted we are not in exposure therapy)

Also - therapists are human. One cannot expect another human (their therapist) to NOT have countertransference with a patient even if and when their own needs are met. Therapists experience sexual feelings for patients all the time, what matters is their degree of professionalism and ethical conduct and strength to set boundaries and ask for consultations so it does not conflict with the patients healing process...

Thanks,
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