My heart goes out to you. In my opinion, you should go see your dad if you want to. Just do it for yourself not for him.

I can relate to your situation very well. My mother did not want a relationship with me for many years because every time she had to see me it reminded her of the abuse she allowed to happen to me. It's tough when you love someone despite the hurt and abuse they inflicted on you and yet they reject you. It hurts more than the initial abuse.

Every time I would visit the family, she ended up with a nervous breakdown in the hospital. The hospital was always her hiding place. For many years I actually thought it was my fault that she was ill. She had always told me that I was an "accident" . I rarely felt loved and wanted during my childhood. A few year back, during one of my visits she ended up in the hospital again but this time I did not allow her to hide. I went to the hospital every day and I sat with her. My family was on edge, while they did not know the underlying factors of what prompted her to behave that way towards me, they were afraid that my visits would cause a total breakdown. I was afraid of that too but it was a chance I was willing to take. I needed this! It was a revelation for me to go to the hospital as an adult and understand that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I did not do this to my mother. For years I carried this guilt of being responsible for her misery simple because I existed. That feeling stopped after the visits. We still have difficult time relating to each other but things are better, at least for me. Everyone got used to the fact that I wasn't going away and in some small way I reclaimed my family.

My thoughts are with you,
Barbel