Here's my story.

I am made up of a conscious mind and subconscious mind. I used to play an old MMO game to relieve stress from everyday homework during 3-yrs diploma programme. I could play up to 10 hrs a day during holidays, and at least 4-5hrs from dinner time til it eats into my sleeping time during schooling days. I developed lots of pimples and it was made worse with constant lack of hydration and popping of pimples. I don't really fit well into certain groups as I prefer being myself and refusing to go with the flow most of the time. As a result I have 3 distinct group of people that hanged out with me: The one that agrees with my principles, the ones that only works with me when they need me, and the ones that will totally not want to work with me.

I was totally fine with this, whoever don't like me because they can't accept me, should just fk off. Whoever liked my style will stay. I was accustomed to this thought that loops me in this cycle of denial of what is going wrong in my life as long as someone accepts my beauty.

Everything changed when,

A bpd-date dated me and then promptly left me within 1 month, although we talked to each other for a few months before an official local bpd gathering.

She saw me for my beauty in coping with many emotional swings and ability to rise among the rest. However, I had no experience at dating. When I received my first kiss from her, I felt like I'm stuck between giving my presence to her and being myself. It affected our dating phase because my subconscious actions and thoughts took the lead and effectively she dated another guy while I was in military training.

She told me about something I never bothered putting focus on; communication. And it made me traced many instance of poor-communication between me and other people in my life.

She just left, and I never had the opportunity to see her again. I was beset with several major life issues at this point of time, and I could not ask others to solve them, only I myself can eradicate my own suffering. I dumped my feelings for her instantly, bite the bullet and overcome it with a mindset that;

"My issues are just temporary!"

"Overcome them now or overcome them later!"

"Time will not wait for me to grief over my loss! "

"Regardless, time will still move forward, I got to move forward with time!"

Few months later, I came across a free-seminar conducted for diploma alumni. It was about discovering the 4 types of personality (DISC), and I received a free ticket for a 1-1 diagnostic session which I attended later.

The diagnostician that I talked with, raised many questions about my lifestyle. There were 3 things I remembered fondly about this conversation:

1. He reminded me that he adjusted himself to speak in way that is able to connect with my communicating style.

This made me reflected about what kind of tone I used to communicate with other people.

2. He told me the exact time I can give him a definitive answer of my desire to change.

This made me reflected about certain mistakes that I kept committing without thinking about putting a stop to it. And when was I ready to learn and prevent myself from making the same mistakes again?

3. He told me the price of the coaching workshop.

I had no money or means to pay for this workshop, considering the amount of money i saved each month is equivalent to 1/25 of that course fee. I saw it wasn't a good idea to sign up for this perhaps life-changing course at this point of time. However, I told myself I am not willing to leave this session empty-handed, I got to work out a solution for myself even if I have no financial means to register for this course.

From here, I continuously told myself these;

I got to overcome!

It's my own responsibility and desire to plant my own garden, not for other people to take care of it!

I am responsible, I am not going to take this lying down and leave the rest of my life like a sheep!

I have to use my contrarian-thinking into useful purpose and not use it against other people for the sake of it!

I am going to prove other people wrong that they made a mistake of abandoning me!