but its like...

the information will not internalize

they can explain something to me and i just wont understand...

its like i just cant understand... its like i am retarded or something...

maybe i just dont want to understand... but i really do want to so bad i cant understand how i could not want to...

how is it possible for information to be inside of you... in front of you... all around you... and you just dont "get it"... dont "see it" ... ect...

im getting so tired of myself... but not of myself... of the illness... if i am even ill... maybe it is all just in my head like some have said... maybe im just making it all up and thats why i cant understand... because there is nothing there to understand... nothing there to make sense of...

i just feel so empty right now i dont know what to think or what i feel...

i dont really want to talk more about it because i feel so stupid and like i just keep making people angry at me and making my ownself angry and making everything worse by talking about it so i just want to stop

but i guess these are last attempts to make sense of something i cant make sense of before giving up...

it hurts.. i just wish i could understand... i should have all of the information... i just cant understand... and i dont know why...