I'm a 25 years old woman with a preexisting antisocial personality disorder that was adressed and kept under control until 2 years ago when a traumatic experience has shaked my previously learned techniques to keep myself under control . Now I am suffering of a post traumatic stress disorder with rage outbreaks and the impossibility to re engage my "fake" empathy. I am now trying to make my way through my trauma and learn new techniques suitable to my now days problems. I am conscious about my disorder but unable to block my impulses that have been for so long suppressed. I long for a suitable life without so much drama and normal mechanical behavior. I am aware that the only way for me to live a calm and problem less life is to convince me of what's right keeping in mind the consequences of my actions. Although this usual kept me in line for most part of mylife, in extreme situations I became unable to think rational for short periods of times I act reckless, resentful and emotionless. Usually I would never seek for help unless I see my own future in danger, I don't want to end up in the forensic psychiatry department. I hope somehow here I will learn so new methods to keep myself in line. My psychiatrist recommended me hospitalization during my rage attacks but since I have 2 children this makes the propulsal difficult besides that the rage escalates too fast to the point that I am not free willingly to take that action and has been escorted by police, firemen and emergency doctors to the hospital. When I get to the hospital thanks to my logical thinking and natural superficial charm and the fact that two small children are waiting for me at home. I am always release the same day.

That's my intro,

Here are the facts:

-no childhood trauma.
- I have been raised adressing my antisocial personality disorder that was probable genetically acquired.
- at the time I was pregnant of my second child, the father is my second husband, I receive the news that he cheated on me for 9 months before I even got pregnant, and that the woman became pregnant and gave birth to the half sister of my unborn child.
-my husband reassures it was just a few meetings and that meant nothing
- he has never seen the child or has nor wants contact to it
- the woman demands child support which is still in process since my husband renegates his responsibility for that child as he felt betrayed with the lie that the woman has been taking the pill to not become pregnant that turned out to be a lie, which she admitted proudly.
-each event related or even just reminder ends up sooner or later in a rage outbreak where I abuse emotionally, physically and psychologically my husband.
-I have uncontrollable everyday passive agressive behavior towards him or anyone that I consider is bothering me.
-I have always had an abusive behavior towards anyone close to me but kept in line under social acceptable behavior. Now thanks to the trauma I feel that I have the right to let my whole self out without remorse or having extreme limitation.
- my behavior is cold and calculated taking my husbands patience to the edge but respecting that thin line of abusing so much of him for him to leave me or take real legal action against me. He has call emergency in 3 ovations but has not present charge against me and addressed me to psychiatry knowing my pre existing antisocial personality disorder which he believed until shortly my lie that was a bipolar disorder triggered by the trauma he made me live.
- after a rage breakdown I act as nothing never happened and regain my husbands confidence and love with my superficial charm. He falls every time over and over again.
-I came to the point, through previous relationships and experiences, that he is the one that will be able to handle me and become my life partner. Thanks to his guilt I get a long with most of my abussive behavior.
- I find myself in the edge of having legal problems since he knows my real diagnosis and in extreme situations he is willing to call the police.
-the rage outbreaks affect my children indirectly and sometimes even directly.
- I metalizad myself that at least i should direct my life in giving my children a good future and minimize possible traumas. This is somehow a mechanical induced empathy that is very poor since I am able to break this mechanism so easily and have not even this reflected learned remorse or empathy. Since I have little to practically no real emotions is hard for me to imitate it when I find a perfect excuse to let my abusing behavior out.
-my aim is to try to pass through my trauma and conduct my life to be again able to live in society without failing to control my rage.
-my response to any tips of emotion lately has been rage instead of my long learned mimic emotional response.
-sometimes I am able to mimic emotional responses and empathic behavior as long as I don't find any excuse for a antisocial behavior.

I realized that my biggest problem is that I have an excuse to act ruthlessly. I want to amend this the only question is how. Any tips?