Disentangling an old, deep relationship like that is never easy. It's very brave of you to take that step, even if it's messy and difficult. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, we were so close that we couldn't imagine life without each other in *some* form or another. So we tried, and tried, for years, to be friends - and it was always messy and unhealthy. Whenever we felt like we were doing well as friends, one of us would go and rip the wound open again. We finally purged our lives of each other, and it was the most painful thing I've ever done. I remember lying in my bed sobbing for days, even though there really wasn't anything healthy worth holding onto. I felt destroyed and broken for longer than I can remember. But y'know, it eventually stopped hurting. Eventually it healed. And years later, we reconnected, and we are now very dear friends again. Sometimes I think the cord needs to be truly severed before it can heal. I hope you can forgive yourself for the things you wish you hadn't said, and forgive him for not being what you needed him to be. At the end of the day, you're both people going through this painful experience. It'll be okay. Wishing you love and luck. <3