Hi. I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to be on here., and my comment may be removed. I came on here to read posts to see if it would help me understand my wife a little better.

I'm sorry no one replied to your post. I feel like you asked a vulnerable question, and no one offered any insight.

It sounds like you are 41, and never had sex with anyone. If so, that's OK. Hey, I've only ever had sex with one person, so I've only got one more experience than you. I'm only ahead of you by one point!

Curiosity is normal, really, really normal. I can't believe you are waiting until 41 to ask these questions. Most would have done this by the time they were teens or early adults.

Don't feel guilt about wanting this in your life, or about focusing on it! We are human animals, and this is part of how we are made. We are made to want to be partnered with someone.

Watching clips may satisfy some curiosity, but the stuff you are watching isn't what real sex is like either.

Are you dating, or have you been dating anyone? Can you try to meet someone who would be gentle with you and help you figure this out?