TW: Molestation mention, CSA mention, Pedophilia (?), Unsanitary stuff

(This site wouldn’t let me ask a therapist or whatever because it keeps giving me a “Bad Referrer – Access Denied” thing and I don’t know what’s up with that, and if you do, please tell me, but I’m gonna have to post it here because this has been eating away at me for a long time)

I’m 15 year old girl (note that I was molested when I was 5. Then I was molested multiple times from the ages of 7-9, and I was also filmed and forced to be in child porn from the ages of 7-9). This might seem weird, but, It's weird and gross, I know. But, I had found this list (like, a typed list) that involved scenes and characters from movies and shows when they, well, But, after awhile, I realized that a lot of the characters involved were kids. Some were my age or older teenagers, but, a lot of them were literal kids. I just didn’t process that until then. Hell, most of the time when I was looking at the list, I was fantasizing about other people (adults, of course) preforming said actions, rather than the characters.

I'm obviously not attracted to kids at all, because that's disgusting, and so I was obviously disgusted both with myself and with whoever made the damn list when I actually did realize it. I feel like a monster because of it, even though, again, I would focus more on the action and fantasize about other adults doing it, not the characters/kids themselves. I feel like I can’t live with myself, and suicide has crossed my mind multiple times because of it. Heck, I can’t even sleep without the help of a ton of Xanax and Benadryl.

I don’t want to be a pedophile or anything like that. I’m terrified that I am a pedophile and just like my abusers and that I deserve to be locked up and I feel like I deserve to die. I just don’t know what to do.