Nothing that follows means I'm going to commit suicide so please don't take this as a suicidal post.

Late yesterday I started another downward spiral. I couldn't get myself back and by late last night I was looking through suicide resources. For the first time in a long time, I was scaring myself. The only thing preventing me from doing it was what it would do to my kids. There were no thoughts of saving myself, only saving them from PTSD, abandonment issues, etc.

I called a friend and we talked all night. I am in her debt.

But now today the depression continues. There's nothing but pain. I have nothing to give, nothing I want, nothing matters and there's no hope. My only option is to drag myself through this life, doing what others need me to do, and tolerate the suffering as best I can.

The goal of self hatred seems to be escape from the self and not from the hatred. I feel so cheated to be stuck being me. Why not anyone else? Why am I stuck in this life? I am a self loathing monster. I am pallor personified. I am the condemned man, impatient for the sentence to be carried out. I am...Cyrano. And we all know how that turned out.

I know there's nothing as frustrating or futile as this sort of post but this is my only outlet right now. Maybe I'll find some solace in having shared my despair, maybe not. At the very least, I've kept myself occupied for a few minutes and at times like this, getting through the minutes seems to be my only real goal.

All I can think is: all is lost, all is lost, all is lost.

So be it. Unleash the hounds of hell. And be still my beating heart.

May the anguish consume me.

And may tomorrow be better.

Cyran0