Marriage counselor today. Note: some talk of physical intimacy coming up, so I guess possible trigger warning?

Started by saying we weren't sure what we wanted to talk about. That things had gone well between us in the past week. And I said I figured we could have continued conversation from either last session (D) or week before (transference). MC said he had a thought and commented on how we said it had gone well the past week. I had a brief moment of panic where I was afraid he'd suggest cutting back to biweekly, but he didn't. He said he wanted to discuss why we thought things had gone so well, like what did we do to make that happen?

I said maybe it was that I was in a better place mentally the past week or two, how T had commented on it, so maybe that was part of it? MC said that was like blaming myself for when things go bad. I said D was more calm/on better behavior the past week. MC said maybe we did better because of that OR maybe she did better because we were doing better.

We figured out that H and I had watched some TV together (we haven't done that lately) and also hung out together with D out back some. So maybe taking that time together, even if it was only an hour at a time, helped. H said we'd also had a calm discussion about some financial stuff, when in the past, I would have gotten defensive about my spending, maybe leading to a fight. So us being able to just discuss it and stay calm was a good thing.

I said I also thought it may have helped to have the discussion last session about the stuff with D, that maybe I just needed to get some of that out. And that it may have also helped the previous week talking about the transference/attachment, with H there, and getting that out and having H and MC be OK with what I was saying. I said that sometimes I just needed to get stuff out, whether in there, with just H, with T, etc.

Then I said there was something I could bring up that I'd talked about with T recently, but was kind of afraid to. Plus I thought we only had 15 minutes left. MC said we started slightly late, so more like 20 minutes. I still hesitated. H was like, "OK, out with it." I said it involved physical intimacy. That I appreciated his being patient with me with that and that, as a guy, I was sure he was aware of how long it had been. H said he didn't want to push me on it, to make it seem like an obligation. But yeah, he know it had been since about our anniversary. I clarified to MC that was April, quickly adding, "Late April!" H made a comment about not having enough fingers to count, but that it was OK.

I said I felt weird about saying the next thing, but H said to go ahead with it. I very timidly said that sometimes I feel anxious while being intimate. H said he knew that. I said I'd used a certain word with T but was reluctant to say. H again said to just say it. So I said I sometimes felt almost trapped, in the sense that if we start being intimate, it's not like I can decide I don't want to do that anymore and walk away without offending him. H was like, "Well, you've done that (walked away) before." I said I guessed, but that was when I was really upset. I said I also worry about starting something when I'm tired, because I"m worried I'll fall asleep again during it. H turned to MC and was like, "I think we've discussed that happening before in here." I said yes, and that I felt bad about it.

I said I felt weird about saying this next part, too. But that...if I'm really tired, then the thought of...well, I know H likes to do foreplay and do certain things for me. And I appreciate that. But sometimes, I don't necessarily want to do that, like I just want...something more, uh, quick. But that I was afraid if I told H that, he would be offended. H said he couldn't see himself being offended by that. Especially if I was like, "I'd rather just do x now" or "Instead of y, could you do z?" that would be fine.

I said how I felt really awkward discussing all this (which was probably obvious because my cheeks felt hot the whole time, like I was blushing). MC said that everyone seems to feel awkward talking about it, which is strange in a way, because people have been doing that since the beginning of time, and the survival of our species depends on it. Amazingly, I was actually able to look at him briefly while he was saying this--usually I can't look at him the whole time if we're on this topic. I was looking at H quite a bit, too.

I said another thing was that I tend to like to have my eyes closed during intimate things, to focus on what I'm feeling. But I know H often has his eyes open, even during kissing. So I feel like if I don't have my eyes open some of the time, then H will be offended, or think I'm thinking about someone else. So I keep being like, "OK, need to open my eyes for a moment now and look at him." But then it takes me out of the moment because I might notice, say, a pile of laundry. H said he didn't care if I looked at him and he certainly wasn't like, "It's been a minute since LT opened her eyes--what's going on?" I said I guessed it was like I felt that I needed to put on a performance, that I wouldn't do it right, so I felt all this anxiety. H said I didn't have to worry about that.

MC asked if he could say something. I said yes. He said to me, "It sounds like you're worried about being judged." I looked at him and said, "Yes, that's a big part of it. And a recurring theme for me, as you know." I think H said he wasn't going to judge me. MC said we'd done a good job talking about the topic, even though it may have felt awkward. That we were doing exactly what we should be doing in discussing it.

Then I said that when we aren't intimate that often, I feel more pressure to make things perfect when we are. Like if D does an overnight. H said he was trying to think of a non-sports metaphor to use. We were already over time, I think, so MC asked if he could jump in. He said if it's just one bad at-bat, then he has the whole season ahead of him to improve. That somehow led to MC talking about the baseball announcing part of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." I said I didn't recall that part, that maybe I'd only heard the shorter version. He said, "You should listen to it." I asked, "So is that my homework than?" He nodded.

Confirmed time for next week (we were probably 10 minutes over at this point), then usual handshake and him saying, "It was good to see you." Then, H gave me a hug in the parking lot, which was nice.