Today I feel sure that I am truly in love with my T. He is the most beautiful man alive. I want him more than I've ever wanted anything.

I will never have him. His wife gets to have him instead.

Some part of me still knows it's not true, it's not real. Some small part of me. It can't be, right? It's just me, just my stupid brain.

F**k. This hurts so much. I just want to talk to those of you who understand. It hurts, doesn't it? It really hurts.

Last week I hated him instead. Hating him was easier. But I missed loving him then.

This is so ridiculous. I feel like such an idiot.