I agree with Jennifer that it would probably be a good idea to seek some therapy. The unfortunate truth is most of us who grew up in toxic households tend to cultivate toxic relationships of our own. It can be hard to recognize a good thing when you find it, if you don't know what it looks like/feels like. I hope you can find peace in the knowing that nothing is permanent, you don't have to stay there forever, and you don't have to repeat the cycles of abuse in order to feel that loved feeling again someday. You can start by cultivating that love in yourself for yourself, and - at your own pace - begin to expand that love into a little world all your own. Wishing you love and luck. <3