Artemis, thank you. I did not thank you properly either times. I am sorry. I read your posts and admire the work you do in therapy, and let your words sink in today.

I took my teenage self out for a gym work out, and let her play her anger out on the treadmill. It helped.

When we got home I spoke to her and it went something like this, in case you are interested.

Hello there! It is good to see you again, though I am sorry that you are still hurting so much. I should not be surprised, because I have done little to help you over the years. I am sorry. But I cannot help you as I would like to when you are behaving like this. I would like you to stick around and be with me, and the little one, and T, but I have to tell you that this can only happen if you are willing to sit around the table with us.

(I have an image in my head of the teenage one dancing on the table. Stomping and screaming. The little one is terrified and cowering under the table, unable to see T or me any more. T is somewhat surprised and a little offended by this behaviour, unsurprisingly, and I am at my wits end, unable to hear or do anything about any of it)

The teenage one shouted 'no way' at me and listed of all the things that she thinks and feels. (That also got sent to T, who, again unsurprisingly, has told me that she cannot reply by email). I told her that I had heard her, and that I would raise these things on her behalf with T when I saw her next, but that the way she was going about it right now was unlikely to help any of us.

So I told her that that is OK, that she doesn't have to be ready to do this right now. That I will still make time for her now that I know she is here, but that, for now, she must go to her room.

I will give her my art room, and see how that works out. I want to give her space to express herself without it becoming overwhelming for the rest of us.

I will dedicate an art journal to her and write her a letter too.

I took myself for a nice candlelit bath and read some of my fantasy book (which I have been really struggling to get into).

I feel calmer, and more myself right now. I feel bad for 'banishing' her to her room, but I couldn't cope anymore and it really was starting to feel like I was losing control all over again, and that everything little one, I and T had done was being destroyed.