Thank you all for your replies!

So, she called the next day. She called and called and called.

But I couldn't talk to her! One, because I hadn't slept at all that night and I was filling in for the supervisor at work and had to stay there and BE there. I was afraid if I talked to her, heard her voice and was soothed, I would collapse into a pile of relief. And two, because by then I knew there were things swirling in my head that needed my attention and my work. I was afraid if I talked to her those things would fade into the background and not get worked on.

So she called at work and I ignored it. But she kept calling, finally leaving a voice mail that she was going to a seminar and would be out at 2: 30. So I called to say "I got your message, thank you" so she wouldn't feel like she had to call again. But then she calls right back repeatedly so I finally picked up and said "Blah Blah Blah, I'm okay, blah, yes Tuesday, blah, bye". She was unavailable Tues night she said, and called as soon as she got my messages.

I love that she called and called, that she was concerned, and I felt so bad I had to kind of brush her off. But if I hadn't sat with my feelings I wouldn't have realized that I was angry with her for not giving me what I want. I had said near the end of the session, after telling her how lonely I had been and that a friend was going to be moving away, to please don't let me leave there lonely. I know that sounds dumb but that's what I said; I didn't even know what I wanted from her.. We talked a few more minutes and then it was "Well, we have to stop here".

What has come up in my working on this is that what I want is well... what I want! I want physical comfort from her. I want her to mother me the way I want to be mothered . I want her to break her boundaries and do what I want. I'm idealizing and I'm overlaying my perception of they 'good mother' on her. I do it with others, often. And they have no idea I've laid this perception of the good mother over the reality of who they really are. So, they inevitably fail to be the person I want them to be because I want them to be my perception, not who they really are. In time, I want to reject them for this, like I wanted to not see T again.

Along with that is my perception of her as not caring. Discounting and devaluing her attention, her caring words and demeanor, the calls she takes from me and the calls she makes to me, I say she doesn't care... because she isn't fulfilling my idealized notion of the good mother in that particular moment.

I could not have seen this without the struggle and letting that struggle happen and summoning up the courage to look and see what was there.

So, Thank you, T, for not giving me everything I want. I am so lucky you know what to do.