Ok I just need to come out and say something about this, it has been on my mind for so long. I'd very much appreciate anyone's opinion.

I'm 44, female. Never married. No kids. Have less than 3 dozens Facebook friends. And literally no friends in real life. Considered myself super introverted. INTJ they called it.

Now let me explain: I moved around a lot from country to country when I was in university, and did not retain any friendship there. Starting work, I did have colleagues that were close, but when I changed jobs, the relationship drifted apart. 7 years ago I started my own business, which means, no office politics (good), no one around(good/bad), and I'm working alone.

I'm diligent and productive, so on the business end it's a good thing. And having lived that many years, went through big and small hurdles, I at last made some progress to secure some comfort in life.

Now, this is what I think: all said above is just a Big Fat lie, except for my biz. So where are the BF lies? Well, i moved around a lot that's true, but my datings during my twenties and thirties weren't too successful neither. I feel I'm always afraid of commitment. And nowadays, I pretend to be busy so that I don't go out make friends, not even go to Christmas parties that are being held by biz partners. Why? I'm afraid of going alone, seeing everyone with spouses etc. I was ridiculed once when I went to a meeting held by a biz partner's son, and let me tell ya, these days, Millennials with backgrounds can say **** with attitudes they don't care who you are. So, yes, I ignore them, and avoid them.

I guess, everyone is vulnerable, especially those who attempts to hurt. I look at everyone around me, trying to learn what life is all about. My friends on Facebook are primarily my high school acquaintances. 30% of them are not married. Ok, I thought, that makes me look more normal. But since these "friends" and I haven't met for so long and I was not close to them in the first place, anything I said on Facebook has no reference whatsoever. And I just leave my account near blank.

Worth mentioning is, one of my high school friends and I got back through Facebook. We were at least quite close when young. So we went out couple of times and catch up with each other. But people change as their environment changes. When they know and compare your life with theirs, very few can share your happiness of success. Moreover, she has kids and family and the difficulties of her life is very different from mine. So there, again, friendship is drifting apart despite the close physical proximity.

I look at my parents. They are in their 70s now, argue day in and day out on small things, and when I'm with them, they argue with me too. They're too late in their lives and too frail to talk about divorce. In a way, they help each other out in terms of mobility and memory, and those are the topics of arguments. And I avoid them too, since I really want to keep peace and not argue anymore. I'm saddened by this. I see others at their age, apparently appreciating their year's together and treasuring their fewer and fewer time left. But of course, there are those who got divorced long ago.

Then I look at my colleagues. One of them, about my age, passed away few months ago. We were the closer friends, and she'd given me a pointer in several aspects of my life before. You'd think, live-life's moment, treasure the people around you, apply here. But to me, they do not.

I'm as if a bystander, an analytic, a watcher and never a participant in life. People say life is about making memories. But if I were to disappear from the face of the earth, I'll have nothing like that that's worth remembering.

No love, no family, no kids, no friends, I really don't know where to go from here...