Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
Ms. Lizette,
I apologize in advance if this is a triggering post. You are not alone in how you feel.
I can empathize with you.. I have a question that perhaps might sound irrelevant, but I recall you saying that your husband wanted to attend a session led by professionals who teach about Borderline Personality Disorder... Did your husband end up going? I ask because I want to make sure your husband understands and empathizes with your fears / anxieties. That is paramount.
Forgive me if I sound ignorant if you have already shared the reason why you don't work, but can you tell me why you don't currently work? Are you in a low-point right now or is this all based on the economy?
The best thing you can do is do something for yourself; get your own job. Not out of spite or for revenge, but to give yourself something to concentrate on other than your husband and what relationships / friendships he may or may not make at work.
Distractions is huge, but also doing something for YOU. Build your INNER STABILITY outside the confines of your husband. You need more than your husband in you life otherwise you will only feel worse. I know how hard this is to do because I have had to do it before, but the more you start doing for yourself and your own career / aspirations, your own personal network of friends / supports, the less you will care what your husband does at work.
At least this is what has worked for me in the past.
The thing I have come to realize through going through similar attachments in the past is that I can quickly lose myself and my identity inside an intense attachment / relationship. I no longer think about myself or my own life, the entirety of my focus is on what the other person in the relationship is doing, saying, thinking, feeling, etc... It is an obsession. Everything revolves around that other person. It is like a drug and it is profoundly painful. We can quickly smother those closest to us. When I catch myself doing these things I need to take a break from that person, whether that be mentally or physically... My emotions are telling me to cling, but I need to do everything in my power NOT to cling and instead, I need to take a break. (Opposite Emotion Action) Not to avoid, but to re-prioritize and FIND MYSELF again... Me. I. (As in you, YOU are most important, NOT your husband) Take time for YOU. Alone time for YOU. Look at YOUR childhood pictures. Reconnect with the inner child, WHO you are. Go spend a day or two with YOUR family or old friends. Revisit safe places in life or when YOU felt that life made sense, if it ever did... What are YOUR goals and aspirations? What do YOU want to accomplish in life outside the relationship with your husband? Something that was there before you ever met him. That would be, YOU...
Your husband is married to you for a reason; he loves you. Rest in that. The most important relationship you have is your own relationship with yourself. Work on that and this will start to lessen. Love yourself. You are lovable.
I hope this helps,
Thanks,
HD7970ghz
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Hi,
Thank you for your answer, it wasn't triggering and I know that what you say is the only true solution, but I have really tried to get into my things over the last years, from studies, to jobs and hobbies, but I always feel disconnected to other people and situations, and I find myself in groups of people sitting there thinking about how I can self harm or having SUI thoughts. I think this is the problem, that my husband is my only true friend and in all other situations I feel not only alone but profoundly isolated- as if I was completely in another dark world looking into a bubble I can't access.
I am not working at the moment because I am new in this country (my husband's country), plus I am feeling too bad at the moment. So it is language issues+ mental issues which are currently keeping me out of the work market. I should re-start language classes and this could in theory be an activity. I had started these some time ago but was too unstable/sick to keep up with the study-load, also because I was until recently studying (other studies) online.
I don't know how to connect to people, or how to feel part of anything. My husband has taken a giant role in keeping up my well being. I hate being alone and I have lost my sense of self in this relationship. I can relate to the idea of this being a drug, and yes- it is extremely painful when I am without it
I hope I can get my new therapy going soon. I need help with this
Also, my husband didn't get to go to the relative-meetings because I was dumped by my therapy team. I hope he will be able to go once my new therapy starts.
Thank you for answering, I hope I can get to a place where I can start seeing myself as important for
myself. At the moment I really don't

I don't want to be alive more than for the sake of others, that's the situation right now