I have been sober for about 3 years now. I did attend some AA meetings during my recovery, but didn't really go through the whole 12 step process. I always thought that if I could just get some time sober under my belt, everything would be okay. Now I am discovering that the longer I'm sober, the more agony I'm experiencing remembering what a terrible person I had become, and the terrible things I did. I understand now why that step of apologizing and confessing to the people you hurt is such an important one - I'm seriously regretting never finding some sort of closure with these people. At this point, I'm not even sure how I would go about contacting the people I really want to apologize to. Even if I were to find them, I'm not sure I'm brave enough to say what I want to say. I feel like I need to confess, admit it, because I never really did, so I'm going to do it here. Thank you for letting me vent my thoughts. <3

The day I lost my job as a nanny, it was Blank's birthday. I had taken him to pick out a goldfish, and we had one of the funnest outings of our relationship together. I was hungover, and struggling with alcohol, but I had never touched a drink at work. We got back to his house and we put the fish in the tank and laid down for a nap, when suddenly the fish died - right before our eyes. This child had never experienced death before, and I immediately started having a panic attack trying to figure out what to say to him. I went downstairs to call his mom and let her know what was happening, and while we were talking, I saw a half-empty half-gallon of Jack Daniels on top of the fridge. I don't know what possessed me, it horrifies me to this day that I did this, but I grabbed it and started chugging. The next thing I remember was being roused awake by Blank's mother. What came next was a blur of sobbing, someone holding my head in their lap, someone driving me home. I slept for hours before they came to bring my car to my house. The carseat had been removed from it, they handed me my last paycheck, and I never saw the child - who I had grown to love so much - again.

I still think about them all the time. I am both terrified and hopeful that I might run into them in the grocery store, or around town. The feeling is so intense that I'm selling my house and moving to a new state (that's not the only reason, but I desperately need a change of scenery). It's been 4 years, and I try to imagine what Blank must look like now. I doubt he remembers me. I wish I could say that that was my wake up call, but it wasn't. I got worse from there, and worse, and worse, for another year before I finally got sober. I never worked with children again, even though it had been my life passion before then. It has been hard enough living with myself knowing what I had done, and if anything were to happen again I know it would be the end of me. The more time goes by, the more I think about it. I can never undo it. I have to live with this forever. Sometimes it's such a heavy feeling I feel I might collapse underneath it. I know all alcoholics do some terrible things, that aren't really representative of who they truly are, but how do you live with the memories? How do you pick up and move on? Is that little boy's face going to be the last thing I see in my mind's eye when I'm dying? Some days I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to conquer my depression & anxiety when at my very core I know that I endangered a child and I can never undo it.

I don't know why today is the day I became so overwhelmed I had to spill my guts, but...thanks for listening.