Monday's session:
Session was much lighter than they have been. Talking with a friend after my last session and a few other things helped change a lot of things for me around the move and around T's vacation. I went into session open and feeling connected to T. I was embarrassed by my behavior over the last month and a half. Today was the 2nd to last day at the clinic. For a while now we've had one room on Monday and a different room on Wednesday. So today was supposed to be goodbye to the Monday room. She came out to get me and told me that our usual Monday room was not available, that something had happened to it and that she could show me. When we walked past it I saw that there was no computer desk and the computer was on the floor. Ok random, this was a very old and heavy desk, it couldn't just up and walk off. As we were walking back she said the good news is that our usual Wednesday room was available because the other person was off on vacation. Ok. So we head on back and the door was mostly closed. She told me to go on in it was open as she stopped to do something with her shoe. When I got in there the chairs were all messed up. There was only two chairs in the room. The chair left for me is a chair that has a negative connotation to me from a dream early on. For the most I just ignore that it is even in the room. Now it was the chair for me to sit in. I looked at the situation and paused. I think I said something about the chairs being missing from this room. The chair for t was not her usual chair either. T offered to get me a different chair and I said I could do this and I sat in the chair. I said ohh it's not very comfortable. T went and got me another chair. I continued to sit in the chair. While I sat there I started feeling smaller and as if I was getting swallowed by it - yeah sorta the dream. T came back with a different chair and I stood up and she got things situated. I'm not sure if I just stood there helpless through the whole thing or if I helped move things around. I feel like I just stood there.

I sat down and t sat down. I commented on her not being in her usual chair but at least it wasn't the awful chair she had when we first started using this room. I asked how she was doing ... good.. I told her I was doing good, hanging in there. I proceeded to tell her about the conversation with A friend and how between it, her finding a solution for next Monday, me telling my story again, and last Wednesday's session. I proceed to read to her what the friend told me and we talked about how the different statements impacted me or which ones did. We talked about intellectually knowing these things and the connections verse emotionally knowing… or maybe it’s forgiving myself for them. Maybe the way the friend stated it allowed me to forgive myself for feeling/behaving the way I had been and not just justifying or knowing where it was coming from.

Another thing I did on Thursday was create a chart of thing about the move – the things I will lose, the things I will gain, the things that stay the same, and the things I didn’t know about. I showed this to her and we talked about some of it. It led her to clarifying lots of things about the new practice. We talked about her EMR, she gave me her new email address, and phone number. She told me about the building and made a plan to meet out front as it is a little unusual how to get to their suite (it’s an old house converted to offices and I guess to get to their suite you have to go around back and down the stairs. Not knowing about email was a stressor for me.

We talked about this concept about being insulated from other patients. For about 10 months now, my appointments have been stand alone in the sense that she is coming to them on days that she has had administrative duties not clinical duties and I am late in the day, so there has been no one before or after me. Before then, I was seen in her usual clinical hours so there was someone around my appointments depending on the day. I told her that I didn’t know if this would bother me, if I would feel like maybe she wasn’t all there for me because of not being able to shake off the person before me or because of starting to think about the person after me. I said I didn’t know if jealousy or anything like that would show up. We talked about how our relationship had changed from a year ago. I would have to say that most my attachment is at the level of a 4-5 yr old. My T… type of thing and then adult me goes.. no she’s a T that I see. She sees many other people, but when she sees me she is completely focused on me. Blah… not sure the little boy buys it completely. She’s been able to live up to those statements, so I think he is starting to trust her around this. It doesn’t seem like it is on firm ground though.

She gave me the forms to fill out for her billing and an intake form. I don’t remember why there was the 2 different forms as most of the information was the same but there were 2 forms.

Our time was about up, I showed her a picture of a pouting gorilla. I told her that was how I’d been filling for most of the last 2 months. She loved it.

We said our goodbyes, wishing wells, and see you on Wednesday and then I left. I felt how scared I was as I walked away. The move is big and scary. I tried to calm myself and did a pretty good job of it. I had to hurry out of there because I had another appointment (to pick up a uhaul) so I didn’t have much time to dwell on the session.