Since I came back from my NYC trip, I became convinced my husband had become the Devil incarnate...I can't describe the hell I've been to and back mentally and emotionally...I finally asked T last week is it real or is it in my mind? T said she doubted my husband had changed that much since the trip and though his actions out there may have hooked me they proberbly weren't major and the trip and the upcoming break has been 2 triggers for me...she said I'm most proberbly acting out with Husband instead of bringing into the session re the break..I told her that this is the 4th xmas break with her and no way am I taking a step backwards and thinking about all the negatives and how I will feel...I only want to think of what I can do for myself now...T said why cant I think about both things?...I am feeling this big block of ache inside but can't name it...I'm not sure if its anger, grief, loss I just dont know, I know I am avoiding thinking...I see T tomorrow for the last time until January 7th...and part of me wants to punish her but part of me wants to protect her ....I want to cry but can't.....I dont want to feel these feelings....I wrote with both hands last night having a conversation with myself and one hand hates her for leaving me...and the other hand knows all that she does and cares about for me and understands....but the battle is hard....it feels like its killing me inside...I just want this whatever it is soooooooo bad....this whatever it is is taking the form of food binging right now and compulsive internet use and pacing and irritablity....I wish I could just curl up and feel it and cry...but I can't...I'm dead inside...T said breaks are hard for everyone...I wanted to say to her...but not for you? but I also wanted to say how are they hard for you? you won't miss me like I miss you...you won't have to keep trying to grasp a memory of me each day to get through...its not fair!!!!!!!