I am kind of afraid to post this, because while I do have complex PTSD from various traumas, this is mostly about the PTSD I've developed after withdrawing off of Klonopin.... I am always afraid people will roll their eyes at me, but it landed me in the hospital last year, so... here's hoping I'll be taken seriously.

When I was in full-blown withdrawal from Klonopin, my body could not sleep. At all. For days. It was absolute torture. I even started to have minor hallucinations. This went on for weeks... I'd go 3 days without sleeping, cave and find some way to induce sleep (Ambien, mostly, which only worked once...though I also drank an entire bottle of NyQuil...that did not work) then have to endure another 3 days of no sleep.... it was absolute torture. And I mean that literally. I thought the only way out was to die.

Ever since then, whenever I experience any sort of insomnia or even illness-related exhaustion, I start freaking out, feeling like I'm going back into withdrawal.

And that brings me to tonight. I'm sick, and though I slept last night, I am exhausted... and I'm trying hard to remind myself that I'm not in withdrawal, that I slept last night, that I'll sleep tonight, because I'm NOT in withdrawal... freaking out now thinking "I can't ever have another kid, because I cannot cannot cannot do the no-sleep thing again... I can't." My mind is racing down that path......

Part of it is also the time of year. I was in withdrawal in the summer, and last summer, after having my daughter, I had PPA-induced insomnia that was JUST like when I was in withdrawal (landed me in inpatient for 5 days til they could get me to sleep)... literally, this weekend is the 1-year anniversary of that inpatient stay. And, of course, my therapist is out of town... I wish he was here so I could process the flashbacks.

I'm not in withdrawal.
I do not have a newborn anymore - my daughter is a year old.
I will sleep tonight.
I am not in withdrawal.
And even if I was, I could go back to the hospital, and they would be able to make me sleep.
UGHHHHH