i've tried reading about how to cope...

they say distractions... meditation... rest... ect...

but its not working yall...

i just find myself locked in these obsessive thought patterns...

its too strong, i dont know what to do besides get high to make it stop

but i dont have the funds... i cant just up and go get an 8ball or bag of weed to make it go away...

so its killing me... really really bad... i cant take it...

getting high will make it go away for a while... a day... or so... then it gradually comes back with vengeances...

i've been having physical symptoms... as well as the usual mental symptoms... and its driving me crazy...

i dont know whats happened to me... i started messing around with methadone and after that it like all my addictions and symptoms magnified... dont use methadone... that **** is ****ed up and will mess your tolerance up and mess up everything... i will never take another drop of methadone...

i dunno if thats what caused my symptoms to get like this or not...
or if its just because my mental illness symptoms have been getting worse too... or combination of factors...

im trying to fight it... but then i feel like im not trying to fight it at all, im losing the battle so bad...

my skin crawls... tunnel vision on it... all i can see... is just lemme get high... please, i need to get high; i just want to make these things go away so i can go back to feeling normal...

i dunno what the **** to say... its an all day thing every day because im not able to work right now due to my mental illness...

i just try to get through the day... but its so damn hard i dont know how much longer i can go on like this... im afraid im going to get suicidal again if it continues....

im not a stupid guy... if i could just get things together and my symptoms under control i could get a good job... but i cant ****ing do **** like this and its really so ****ed up i cant ****ing take it anymore!

i dont want to live like this!

now just lemme get high please damnit...